Neophyte

Sanity

Padre Federico tried to remain calm, but it was becoming increasingly difficult by the minute. He killed Padre Lucas; Padre Federico couldn't believe that he would do such a thing. However, he felt that there was no other option since Padre Lucas was going to tell the Bishop of his plans. If Lucas were to spill the truth, then all his effort and plans would have been for nothing.

Although Padre Federico contemplated whether he could have told everyone in the Mission that Lucas was a homosexual who tried to make advances toward him, there wasn't much proof. Lucas saw and heard what he had done and said to Pascual, especially regarding the money. The Padres could look into it, and knowing how Pascual was, he would do anything and everything to protect himself. Padre Federico knew what he did was the right thing, but it was only a matter of time before the Bishop and everyone would notice Padre Lucas' disappearance. 

"I have to bide some time and think of something." He remembered that after he killed Lucas, Padre Federico took the body to the Mission's cemetery and buried it in an unmarked grave. Hardly anyone goes to the cemetery except for funerals or holidays to pray for the dead. It would be a while before the next holiday, which would be Hallows Eve. Momentarily, he was supposed to supervise the fieldworkers to ensure they were doing their work, but it wasn't easy to concentrate. 

The Padre was stressed and was thinking of possible plans until Pascual returned with the favor. 

"Brother?"

Padre Federico got out of his thoughts as another fellow Padre called out to him. "Hm?"

"Forgive me, but I asked if you were feeling well?"

"Ah, forgive me, brother. I have been unwell for the last couple of days but I am slowly healing."

"Perhaps you should go to the healers to have a good look at you. Disease has been rampant among the Gabrielinos and I fear you may have caught the sickness."

Padre Federico was sitting on a wooden chair as he contemplated his next moves, instead of walking throughout the fields, ensuring the Gabrielinos were doing their work. "I shall if I keep on feeling unwell. Forgive me, brother, but I would like to go to the church and pray for a little more. I know we have done so earlier in the day, but I truly need our Lord's guidance."

The fellow Padre nodded. "Of course, brother. May you find comfort and healing through prayer."

"Thank you, I shall return as quickly as I can." Padre Federico stood up from his seat and quickly walked toward the church, hoping that there was no one inside. Upon arrival, he walked inside the church and was relieved to find it empty. Padre Federico looked at the cross before him, feeling utter rage and exhaustion. He then looked up at the ceiling, and it was nothing but brick and wood. "Why?" His voice echoed in the church. "Why?" He asked again, but there was no response, only the sound of the echo of his voice. Padre Federico then looked at the cross and slowly walked toward it; his eyes never left it. The Padre looked at it with disdain. He eventually stopped before the altar.

The silence slowly got to him; Padre Federico scrunched his hair so hard that parts of his hair felt like they were going to be torn away. "WHY!?" He screamed so hard that Padre Federico felt that he was momentarily out of breath. His heart was rapidly beating. His legs felt weak and wobbly, and Padre Federico couldn't stand any longer. "Why have you forsaken me!? Was my disbelief and hatred towards you the cause of my misery and torture?" The Padre looked down at the dirty floor. "Why did you bring her to this Mission? Before me? Why have you made me fall for a Mestiza!?"

The mental exhaustion and stress were so great that Padre Federico felt tears forming in his eyes. It had been so many years since he had ever felt his tears that the only time he cried was when he was a child. 

"I killed a man. All for her. For her to be in my grasp. I want to be out of this life that I have never wanted. Is this my punishment to love another!?" Padre Federico realized what he had said, 'love.' Never in his life did he feel such an emotion. His parents hardly showed him any affection or love, and it was foreign to him until he met Metztli. She was not only beautiful, but she was also kind and innocent. Padre Federico didn't view her like the other Gabrielino women since, in his view, they were savages, although they had their uses. Metztli was unique and different, and it was something he wanted to possess. He wanted to keep her caged with him. "I feel that my sanity is withering because of her. Remember how I came before you? How I believed that you brought that woman before me to test me?"

Padre Federico slowly stood on his feet while wiping his eyes. "Now, I realize the truth. You brought her here to destroy me. To show me how a woman has made me lose myself and my sanity. Well, you did it. That woman has tainted me in body, mind, and soul, so that I have lost all hope in any salvation. I accepted that I am forever doomed to hell and that it suits me fine." He took a deep breath. "Hell allows me to be who I am and motivates me to go where and who I want. I will promise you and myself this. I don't care what it takes, I will have Metztli. If she refuses me, then it will be by force. I will destroy everyone and this Mission if I have to. This is my promise."

He maniacally laughed.