I speak satin
And He had a barbed wire tongue.
What people can't understand is that even when he ripped my mouth to shreds
I still loved him.
I still fell for him
Like an addict hitting rock bottom
And I didn't have to take any of his medicine
To know he was an urban healer
An engineer of the brain
A fantastic persuasive writer
And a genius at chemistry
The problem with the bad guys
Is that they are disguised as the troubled geniuses
Vodka boy
Was a troubled fucking genius.
He was the salt line running out
Between me and my demons
He was the broken pentagram of my faith
He was every little girl I let down
He was every little dream I let drown
And I still loved him.
I still loved him
I still loved him
It has taken me a long time to admit that.
It has taken me even longer to accept it.
But shame has no place in the hands of a poet.
So let me dispel it.
Let me a scrub under my nails
And up to my elbows until I am rid of it
Let me exorcise the bad intentions from my nervous system
Let me find some way to get over it
Other than shooting up
Because even drugs remind me of him.
And alcohol
And prescription medication
And cigarettes
And water bottles
Filled with vodka
And bad decisions
I never drank
But I tasted vodka on his lips
I remember what it feels like to burn
So next time
Some prissy
Wannabe
Fucking white girl
Asks me if my ex boyfriend
Can get her her high
I will tell her
Roll my name around in your mouth as if it were marbles
And come talk to me when you figure out what I sound like
I do not speak her language
Only mine
Only his
Only enough to know that the percussion of his heart beat
Is always slower than the barrel bass drum in my chest
That my language
My world
Is still full of wonder
Is still full of try
The day after I left him
I sat in filthy lakeside restaurant in Iowa
And ate frog legs for the first time
I am still holding my adventure
I am still learning my faith.
I am still figuring out that love is not rejecting gravity
It is weight.
It is dense
It is hard some days
But love
Is gravity in excess.
It is letting go of the parachute
It is learning
How
To fall.
