it was always her - billie eilish

cutting loose

(me when i get a big girl job and then get in a healthy relationship and then have one million side gigs/hobbies... and forget about my lil fanfiction.... heyyyyy... im not promising frequent updates admittedly but i will try to get back into things! i keep getting comments about wanting at least a somewhat ending to things, so im gonna try to see it through! i will say i've been writing this fic off and on since i was in high school and i have had the middle and end planned for quite some time. it will happen... in time)

with two days left of the trip, we finally commit to our lake day. all four of us spend the morning prepping quick to grab snacks. bella is adamant that we all share a classic lake day lunch, which consisted of uncrustables, capri suns, and a single serving chip bags. after a quick trip to the grocery store in town we make it out with junk food and hopefully enough beers to make us through the remainder of the trip. at this point, we are drinking to beat the hang overs. once everyone is awake we are quick to drown out the nausea with a shooter, tylenol, and a freshly opened case of beer. three days of near non stop drinking was brutal, and we had no intention of feeling out those consequences until we absolutely had to. i'd hoped the uncrustables would help to slow the effects, but knew deep down it would probably make my stomach that much worse. once we made it back to the cabin, bella was promptly off to the kitchen. she threw the uncrustables in the freezer, claiming the right way to eat them was frozen, then made her way to the garage to find fishing poles and other lake day 'essentials'. once we all dawned our swim suits, we met at the lake. inflated pool floats, a cooler, two already set up fishing poles, and a very excited bella met us on the dock.

"i kinda blacked out in the garage." bella claps her hands together then pans her arm out across the dock "pick your poison."

i take the fishing pole, noticing the bright pink ball of bait already set on the hook. billie sits beside me, dipping her toes in the water watching as the others slowly make their way in to the freezing lake. they swim out further as to not disturb the fish that i'd be trying to catch. i felt quieter today, not for any particular reason, just that i didn't feel like talking much. another day of looming anxiety and the overwhelming feeling of impending doom. the fun thing about anxiety, is sometimes it is some sort of forewarning. most of the time it's not, but every once in a while a gut feeling is written off as another anxious day. that's what always kept me on my toes, is this an average day with a disorder, or is my body trying to tell me something. i chase the circle thinking with a handful of big gulps out of the bottle of beer beside me, before casting out my line. billie is quiet too, staring down at the lake and seemingly contemplating something herself. i let the quiet loom, turning to check in on the other three every once in awhile.

the water crashes against the posts of the dock, ripples in the water tugging at my line here and there. every time it does i yank the pole, only to realize that it wasn't a fish yet again. we'd sat for about an hour, still without a bite. that was what fishing was sometimes, staring down in anticipation waiting for a tug that won't come. granted, we did pick the worst time for it. it didn't take a genius to know that fish aren't on the prowl for food in the mid afternoon. they came out in the early hours of the morning or at the end of the day, usually around sunset. if i were to catch a fish anytime soon, it would be an admittedly stupid fish. i look over to find billie laid out on the dock. her arm lays over her face, feet still grazing over top of the water. we still haven't said anything, but it still wasn't an uncomfortable silence. my free hand lightly grazes up and down her thigh.

"nothing yet?" she asks, slightly raising her arm to squint over to me.

i shake my head "maybe we give it a break, go for a little swim?" i ask, moving my body slightly to block her eyes from the sun.