The other half of Josh

chapter 17- Roydon.

I spend the next few hours at Josh's house, watching another movie. He insisted on World War Z, and honestly it's not terrible, although I wouldn't watch it twice.

Josh's arm stays wrapped around me and there's a closeness I haven't felt with another human for a long time.
It puts me on edge after a while. At first it was something beautiful. But I realise now, while my heart is still beating violently. Josh's is at normal pace. And his feeling has been lost.

I still feel closer than usual to someone though.

The last time I felt this close with someone was Roydon. Roydon. And at that thought, just that name and just at that image of his arm instead of Josh's makes me flinch away.

"What up?" Josh says, hurt in his eyes.
Unfortunately I'm good a lying when in these situations. Directly confront me with a specific question and I can't lie for my life. But stuff like this? Like the sudden need to leave? I'm brilliant.

"I just remembered my mum wanted me for dinner, holy crap it's already 6 and she said be there for half past. I need to leave I'm so sorry. Oh my god." I say, easily giving off a fake panic to get home.

However it's not really fake. My panic regarded Roydon, and the fact that I never kissed him. And yet was forced to do so much more.

Josh looks hurt slightly, but behind that is an understanding I don't usually see in others.

"Okay that's fine. I'll see you soon dear April!" He replies slightly sarcastically.

A small smile creeps to my face and I give a short wave. "Goodbye, Josh."

I leave his house without looking back and start the 20 minute walk home.

But flashbacks to that one night with said Ex-boyfriend fill my head and I can't seem to concentrate.

"Come on, April" He says seductively, a hot sparkle in his Italian eyes. "I know you want me."

He grabs my waist and pulls me closer, his lower half towards me, his upper half leaning away.

I open my mouth, and whine slightly.

"That's it's princess, just unclip this." He unclips my bra. "Just pull these down" he starts to pull down my underwear when I grab his hand.

"No." I whisper, barely able to breath. "No, I don't want that."

I wince, the thoughts from that night swimming in my head.

It took me months, months and months for me to realise I wanted his company, his friendship, and not his sex. While for him, he knew what he wanted from the start. And that was a toy.

He used me because I was weak, and he new I found him attractive. He used my weakness for his hot body and what I thought was a perfect personality.

He pulls my hand away from his. "You do want it. you do want me. Don't you? You want me to leave now, instead? Never come back? I will if you say you don't want me." His voice sounds hurt and childish.

"No! Don't leave me." I whimper, scared that I would lose that perfect being forever. I couldn't do that. He's perfect. Everything about him is perfect. I want to live my life with a being so perfect. I want the marriage and the perfect love story. And I want it with him. He can do no wrong and it's me being an idiot. That's why I feel like I don't want this, I'm an idiot for throwing it away.