I re-watched all 6 Star Wars movies this weekend because I'd only seen the prequels once and I hadn't seen the Original Trilogy in like 5 years. I'm on a road trip, so I'll make a rant about all of them.
What even is the Phantom Menace? Is it the trade federation? Darth Maul? Nute Gunray and the TF aren't exactly menacing, so if it's Darth Maul, why is he only in like 4 scenes? You'd think the title character would be in most of it, but no. Also WTF even is Darth Maul? Is that face paint? A tattoo? What evolutionary purpose do his horns serve? So many questions. Also, can we talk about the padawan hairstyle? A side rattail and a mini ponytail with short hair 😒🔫. I just... ew. No.
I do like Qui-Gon Jinn's death, though. Most people say it's unrealistic how quickly it happened, but I personally think it's very realistic. One lucky shot and he's dead. I'm pretty sure that's how it would go in real life.
How old is Padmé Amidala? I'm hoping she's my age at most, but what kind of idiots would elect someone my age to be their leader? She's pretty much an adult in TPM, but she's like 24 in Attack of the Clones, which is 10 years later.
Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that Anakin Skywalker is literally the Jesus of the Star Wars universe? I still don't know what I should feel about that. Also, WHAT THE FUCK IS A MIDICHLORIAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I know I spelled that wrong, but what the fuck is it?! I completely forgot about that in the past 5 or 6 years, and I always thought I'd the Force as being, you know, a force, not a bunch of microscopic organisms that live in your cells.
Why does nobody have a real name? I mean, seriously. What kind of name is Shmi? It looks like it's missing a vowel. And Anakin? I once went to acting camp with a guy named Anakin. I had a crush on him, and I'm 99% sure it was just because I love Star Wars. Why am I talking about this?
"My parts are showing!" Is not an appropriate phrase to put in a movie that kids'll watch. It just isn't. I didn't get it when I first saw the movie but now it's just no.
Also, Shmi Skywalker is a bad parent. Who lets their 9-year-old race competitively? Bad parents, that's who. And can we talk about the fact that she let him go off with some strange men and Jar Jar Binks? Only a bad parent would do that! She doesn't even give him a way to contact her when he leaves!
"I carried him, I gave birth, and I raised him," no, really? That's how motherhood works? I thought babies were delivered by geese and arrived in cereal boxes. You also don't have to raise them because that's the cereal box's job. Obvious line is obvious.
- Elise 😒
