Inner Thoughts

Self-Awareness

There comes vulnerable times in my life where I can just feel myself living.

 And I don't mean the high on life kind.

I mean the kind where I become self-aware.

 I become aware of my pulsating arms.

 I become aware of blinking my eyes.

 I become aware of how still I've grown. 

 I become aware of the beating of my heart and wished it would just stop because it beats too hard.

The pain moves down and shifts to my stomach and my body jerks in response.

It's in panic mode!

I can't lay this still forever.

I need to have movement. I need to have energy.  I need to break free. 

 But it all hurts too much. 

I began to settle again. 

I lay still.

 I think about the fact that I am the one having these thoughts.

I think about the pain I feel.

It's bearable for a moment. It seems as if it is a separate entity. 

But it can't be that easy. It's never that easy.

A tree is only as strong as its roots. 

Mine are breaking. 

I can feel the wind forcing me to tilt... I need another tree to keep me up somewhat for support.

I lay still, yearning for support.

 It's not my fault...

 It's not my fault I feel this way. 

It's not my fault that my parents don't even recognize it.  

It's not my fault connections are severed...Strings left in shambles 

They say that struggling not to let something hurt you only makes it worse.

 And we struggled for a year.

 And our string is frayed.

We were wearing down thinner and thinner

 "Its not fair!" I screamed inside my head.

No use in saying it aloud. No one would hear or listen. 

We don't want this. Or at least, we didn't want this.

 But here it is.

 I thought we were stronger than that. 

I force to be reckoned with. 

We used to be so good.

 But life got in the way. 

As I feared it would... "Self fulfilling prophesy" as you used to say. 

Well, I guess all my doubts came true.

 And now we are both aware of our downfall. 

And we can't float back to the surface no matter how much we want to because we're just in too deep.

The thoughts become too much and I  become aware not of my existence. 

All I feel is pain. 

And I lay still once more.