excerpts

1.1

"I hate that one day you're going to fall for her," I spit bitterly.

"Who's her?" He sits opposite me in the small café on a tall barstool.

"I don't know. The girl across the street hanging up posters? The waitress who brought you hot cocoa? It could be anyone, and you're going to fall for them and leave me." I know this is true.

He doesn't get angry that I've just accused him of falling in love with someone else while I'm his girlfriend. He's just calm and patiently waiting to see where this will go.

I love that about him, among many things.

"You say you love me, don't you? You love my sense of humor, my laugh, the way my eyes light up when I see an animal," I say quoting some of his words to me that one night.

"I do," he says truthfully.

I sip my steaming drink and he motions for me to keep speaking.

"But I'm not special at all. You're going to meet someone one day just like me, but without the emotional baggage. You're going to be happier, because you don't have a depressing rock dragging you down." I'm close to breaking down at this point but I keep my voice steady.

"We should break up."

I let the heavy sentence hang in the air before it crashes and shatters into a million pieces.

"Why?" His voice is hoarse and seems distraught.

"I just told you why. I'm ordinary as a missing sock, there are plenty of me, just better. And I don't want to have my heart broken when you do find that girl. So this is me, protecting myself before I get hurt again," I don't finish my drink and get up to leave.

This is cruel, selfish, and will break his heart. But sometimes you have to be cruel, selfish, and break other's hearts to keep your's safe.

As I'm going through my old stuff that night, a pain pierces my chest as I realize I really did love him too much, and he loved me too.

I regretted the selfish actions of my heart that day, and I know I can't ever take them back.

I'm sorry.