excerpts

4.5

Before you

[i don't want to feel the way I do]

I'm mad.

Stark, raving, mad. No words exist in the English language that I can use to spell out how exactly mad I am.

I'm mad.

By way of sanity (or lack thereof), I am quite mad.

Just mad;

because I can't ever find a way to express the anger that consumes me, transforming my mind into a blazing inferno of rage.

Mad.

As in, if you started to breathe in my vicinity I'd shove your phone down your throat. (Don't text and drive/walk.)

But now

[id give anything to feel something]

my anger is diffused:

Leaving the feelings of lost sanity in the past

No emotions beheld, I gaze into nothingness and feel empty

There's nothing inside.

Do you still not understand?

It's as if I was a glass of water and you were the lips that drained my contents from existence

So here I must stay

Being arbitrary as the world keeps spinning (life stops for no one)

I used to feel everything clearly and sharply like my fingertips skimming the pages of a book and getting cut; blood sprouting crimson blossoms, crisp across once-pristine blank space, punctuated by simple black text,

my anger
my sadness
the depths of emotion that grew into a tidal wave and came crashing down on me

felt like nothing compared to the emptiness that encapsulates my entire being

--because I was never the same after you--