A slow fall

Chapter 38 - Caleb

My eyes felt heavy, my head still clinging to last night's fuzz. A distant ringing played in my ears, an ever present noise that didn't actually exist. I woke slowly, taking time to ground myself: the mattress I lay on felt moulded to my body; Soft blankets that pressed against me; His arm that rested across my stomach, possessive and calming. And then, with thoughts of him, the truth of the night hit me far too fast. It was too much. Too raw and too real.

I played back the memories one too many times and let my mind drift over moments I shouldn't have. Not when everything that happened confused me, left me scared and embarrassed. I didn't want to wake up and feel that overwhelming, unbearable shame like every other time. Not with Lucas.

Never Lucas.

Still, even that one kiss, the softest of brushes in an impulsive moment brought on by months of repressed want and thinly held restraint, left a knot in my stomach so tight I thought I would never be able to untangle it. Waking up beside him had my heart racing, the reasons so contrasting and confusing I couldn't make sense of anything myself.

Small rays of sunlight slowly filtered through the gaps in his blinds. Thin shafts of golden light breaking into our private space. Reality all too harshly dawning.

As much as I tried, my mind still wandered. Always back to that moment. I remembered feeling lighter than I had in days. Adam's arrival and Lucas' constant, comforting presence, settling the storm raging inside me. He held me like I was special, like I deserve to be cared for. He looked at me like I meant something, like I was more than the sum of all my parts. And part of me believed him, even when he didn't know all of my truth, couldn't see what was hiding beneath all my layers.

So when he leant in, I wanted to kiss him. I knew that with all of my being. For a second the world quieted further, like it always did when I entered Lucas' orbit. Yet that voice in my head always remained. A constant reminder that what I'd done was wrong.

I'd committed a sin and hell was beckoning me with greater intent. The devil stood there, arms open and a wide grin on his face rejoicing that one of his children—a misguided soul—had finally come home. I didn't want to call hell my home, but I deserved to burn for eternity, right? I'd given in to temptation, to a cardinal sin, and for the first time I'd actually enjoyed it. Surely that was worse? Between all the fear and hatred something inside me felt warm. A flame not like the raging fire of hell, but soothing and welcome. Maybe I was finally accepting my place.

I pulled away from Lucas' body, the arms caging me in, reminding me of my failures and flaws. He stirred when I moved his arm from around my waist, reaching out as if to pull me back. And why did I want to go? Why was I so weak, so in need of help and guidance?

Despite the desire, the ones I'd buried so far inside me I thought would never rear their head again, I stood, forcing my body to move. I was thankful we changed at the end of the night. My costume was replaced with a hoodie that wasn't mine and plaid pyjama pants tatted from age and endless wear. Lucas' frog outfit lay on the floor and my heart stuttered once more.

People laughed, but to me it meant everything. I wasn't sure he understood how much Froggy meant to me. How I kept him close at night so I wasn't alone in the dark. The reminder of Lucas was ever present in my room, offering that same reassurance he gave me on that day so many years ago. That I would be safe. That he—Froggy or Lucas I wasn't sure—would keep me safe.

He'd worn that costume, those stupid feet that he kept tripping over and an eyepatch that seemed so out of place to anyone else, because it meant something to me. To us. Suddenly the yearning in my soul to feel safe and loved almost pulled me back to his side. I entertained the thought for a minute too long, how it would feel to climb back into bed as if everything was alright, as if I could forget the sins I'd committed and the shame I'd brought.