The Problem with Dreams

Chapter 84 - A Vision and a Prayer

Susan stood at the sink in the antechamber of the critical care nursery, washing after removing the special gown she'd been wearing while allowing Melody to visit with the family. Greg stood behind her, removing his own as he waited for the opportunity to wash too.

But Susan lingered at the sink, letting the water run over her hands, her head bowed as the emotions from the past half hour caught up with her. The children and the family were waiting for them to go out to dinner, but the inner strength she needed to face them dissolved between the family visitation room and the nursery. Her shoulders shook and tears coursed down her cheeks, dripping into the sink where they became lost in the water running down the drain. She made an effort to wipe them away with her sleeve as she washed her hands, struggling to stop them from flowing before they overwhelmed her completely.

"Susan." Greg said her name in a tone that was full of strength, emotion, and caring.

Susan blinked, unwilling for him to see her cry.

"Susan," Greg repeated more firmly.

Susan sniffed. "Oh Greg," she whispered. She clinched her eyes shut as she fell into his embrace. "I'm so sorry. I love Melody, I really do. And I feel incredibly blessed to have her, but my heart is so heavy ... Oh ..." she broke down completely as she sobbed, crying right there in the antechamber to the nursery, her face buried in his chest.

Greg held her tight. He too had been feeling the conflict inherent in their blessing. There was a voice deep inside him he'd been doing his best to ignore; an angry voice, demanding to know if they hadn't been through enough in the name of the Lord? Did every step of their life have to be such a struggle? Was every blessing to be lined with pain? Greg felt overwhelmed with shame to even have those thoughts lurking however fleetingly beneath the surface. Those were the words of the adversary talking and he knew better than to listen to them; but they rose to the forefront of his mind at the sound of the pain in his wife's voice.

"Please Lord, make me worthy of your blessings, give me the strength for those things you would have me to endure, give my heart your peace where I can find none for myself," Susan whispered urgently as she prayed. "Touch my husband's heart. Let him hear your words where mine has gone deaf," she pleaded.

Greg felt shaken to his core as he heard Susan's heartfelt words, professing to her faith not only in the Lord, but also in him. Doubt flooded through his mind as he wondered if he'd not only failed the Lord and himself, but her too. That inner voice cried out again in pain from somewhere deep inside. A profound sense of devastation laced with sorrow welled up within him, a familiar sense of failure from some other life, accompanied by despair. They'd listened, they'd prayed, they'd done their best to keep one another's faith strong, to follow the Lord's guidance in regards to their family size, only to have their joy tempered by sadness, and pain visited upon them in the form of a disabled child.

'The Lord has a purpose in all things,' a different voice countered, arguing against the despair. 'Even the darkest hours of men can bring blessings for those who are faithful, in time.'

'Not always,' the voice of despair insisted.

'Yes. Listen, remember!' the voice commanded and Greg felt the world around him start to swirl and dissolve. He clung to Susan sensing the depths of her faith, her solid presence as his link with reality faded and his eyes misted over. His vision clouded and the voices from another time overtook his mind. Suddenly he couldn't remember where he was ...

c

"I don't understand," a younger version of himself insisted ... a version who went by another name.

"What is it you don't understand, Max?" a young woman, familiar in appearance and yet different from his beloved asked.

Rosalie. She was like a carbon copy of the woman who, in a past life he once knew; only that copy had been stretched slightly and given different particulars ... dark hair with red highlights instead of blonde, dark gray eyes instead of brilliant blue, and more height with longer legs and a leaner face. Her appearance always fascinated him, both because of the similarities and the differences.