Letters to Italy

37. because of you

"What? No, please not Gianluca. Not now," I thought.

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Ignazio?"

"It seems like you expected someone else. I hope you were thinking about Gianluca?" I didn't know what to say. I was overwhelmed by the surprise effect of him not being Gianluca.

"Oooh, come here!" he said and he put his arms around me. He gave me a long hug. And I really wanted to hug him back. "It's a long time ago. Nice to see you again!" he said. "Nice to see you too!" I responded.

"But isn't there another person you want to see? More than me or Piero or anyone else?" he asked careful. "Ehm, yeah...actually..."

"Gianluca?" Ignazio said.

"Yes, actually I want to see him again but I..."

"...am afraid of talking to him again, after all this time", he finished my sentence. "Listen, I just want you to know, Gianluca feels the same w..."

Someone interrupted him by laying his hand on Ignazio's shoulder to turn him around. "Gianluca! Hi! How are you?" Ignazio said happy and surprised, like he was the one that hadn't seen Gianluca for over two years.

"I'll..." Ignazio pointed toward the door, "...leave! Bye Aline, I talk to you later today!"

After Gianluca and I had watched him leave the room, just like Liene already did to give us some privacy, Gianluca looked at me. He felt uncomfortable, but still very gorgeous. My heart was not made for this. I was so overwhelmed by his beauty and surprised that he was now finally standing next to me again, I almost was going to faint. I took a deep breath and said 'hi' to him.

"Hi!" he said softly. "Eh...how are you?"

"Oh, ehm... I'm okay", I said but I was not really convinced myself. It was quiet for a moment. We both felt a bit uneasy. Who was the one that was going to talk first? Well, actually, I was the first one because I already said 'hi' first.

"Okay, I know this is weird and uncomfortable and I don't know how to start..." he suddenly said fast, looking at the ceiling, "but I just want to tell you one thing. Or two." Then he looked into my eyes.

I waited until he was going to tell those things. My heart was pounding very fast. I was curious about what he was going to say. And hoping it were things I wanted to hear.

"I just saw you bump into the waiter and you messed up with the text you had to read, back in the church. You also run to the toilets right here and you seem very nervous. I have the feeling, I'm not sure, that it's..." he took the time to swallow his fears of saying it away, "...because of me."

I looked at him with my mouth open. I was really not aware of that, otherwise I wouldn't have done that.
"Ehm...I,...I just...eh...I'm nervous. You know, I'm a shy person and I had to talk in front of hundreds of people and...Friday the 13th and..." But then I realized it was Gianluca in front of me. Even thought it was more than 2 years ago that I really saw him in real life, I knew I could just tell him what I was thinking.

"No, forget what I said, although I really was nervous for that too. It's my brothers wedding you know. Special day." I giggled nervously in between every word I said. "But I mean, forget everything I just said even though I really am nervous..." I kept repeating what I already said, now it was very obvious I really was nervous.

Gianluca looked really confused. And suddenly he put his hand on my shoulder. "Breathe." The surprise of him doing that, made me calm again. No single word came out of my mouth. When he took his hand back, I could talk again. "Yes", I said.

He still looked very confused. So I had to explain it further. "Yes, it's all because of you."

"Excuse me!" someone said and that made me realize we were blocking the door a bit. Of the restroom! "Maybe we should go to another place?" I said quickly.

"Good idea." He walked out of the room and went to a bench that was standing in the end of the hall. Wasn't that too romantic again? Alone, with two, on a bench far away from others. Romantic music playing in the background. But I sat down next to him.

I had the feeling, the previous subject was not entirely finished, but I asked to him what the second thing was he wanted to say.

"I'm not sure if you really want to hear me say that again. But..." he turned away his head for a second, "...I'm still in love with you!" He looked at me with his puppy eyes, hoping I would say I loved him too.

I wanted to think about what I had to say or do but I couldn't function anymore. Of course I still was in love with him too. But I didn't know if it was smart to just admit it and after that have a depression again. He kept waiting for me to say something. I was waiting for that too, not knowing when I ever could talk again.

"You're still in love with me too!" he suddenly said. "I know that. I can prove that!"