Sting » Louis

forteen

Louis.

One word. A simple name. Don't you ever wonder, when you're a kid, what your spouse's name would be? I considered every single detail about that dreamy man that would literally sweep me off my feet and take me away from the hellhole that I was living in. I didn't really care about height, build or hair colour. All I ever looked was the eyes. And his eyes promised me an infinity of love. He looked at me in a way every woman wanted to be looked at. I felt lucky for having a spectacular man as him by my side on the island.

But all of my happiness vanished in a flash right before my eyes. Life is cruel. It doesn't leave you the slightest margin to make your dreams come true. Why is it that everything goes perfect in some people's lives? Why couldn't I have been among these people? Ever since I was a child I had the hope that in the end everything would end up perfectly. Never did this happen. Hope doesn't let you be realistic and face the truth. However ruthless it might be. Maybe hope really makes us weak...

I had faith Louis and I would be forever together. Of course that didn't happen. I cried over him for over two years and had countless appointments with my psychologist to get him out of my head. But, can love be forgotten so easily? Can someone erase their love after having so many memories together?

I sometimes wished I had no feelings. Or I wished I had the ability to swich them off. Insane, but wanted. I wanted to be a small animal, a bird, to have the ability to fly away, be free and at the same time to have no logic. Logic creates thoughts and thoughts feelings...

What is really the purpose of life? Is it just to get married, reproduce and die, or something else? Something more? What was my purpose? All I ever did was bring sorrow to everyone around me. Was I up to any good in the future? I cried at nights thinking about my pathetic existence, while counting the billions of stars. From time to time I considered that fate had a reason to bring Louis and myself together. We would complete each other, we would cover each other's needs. Could Louis possibly be my destination in life?

Weeks had passed since Max had left. We talked every single day with the help of the social media. He seemed enthusiastic about his new job. His eyes were shining and his bright smile would warm my heart, even through the computer screen. I, on the other hand, looked my usual pitiful self. It's difficult to see the man that you loved every single day and know that you will never have him again. It's brutal to hear all of those rumors for him. For his countless affairs. Deep down I felt like all of these were nonsense, but it was undeniable that Louis had changed over those years and maybe all of those rumors were in fact true... Even the thought of that would make my heart ache, but I had taken my decision.

The day that I left Max at the airport, I knew it. I belonged with him. It was the best for me. Louis and my relationship belonged to the past. The past that everyone around me and myself wanted so desperately to let go. The two days after Max's departure I gave as a pretext at work that I was sick. I worked from home and took my time to make my decision. The days at work, when I eventually returned at the office, passed faster than I would have thought. I would literally lock myself in my office, avoiding any random encounters with Louis and only went out for lunch.

Olivia often asked me about me and my boss, but I would quickly change the subject or tell her nothing was going on between us. Nothing really was. She knew we had a connection from the past, I could see it in her eyes. She was such a clever girl. Nevertheless, I didn't really want to tell her yet about Louis and I. I needed her advice, I was drown in my own thoughts and she was older, maybe I could use some friendly aid.

But I was always a closed book. Revealing my background and feelings was impossible. I don't know whether I was scared or simply insensitive. I cared, I loved. But my stupidity stopped me from telling people that I loved them. I did not get the chance to say 'I love you' to my lovely grandpa, before he passed away. I didn't get to say Louis a goodbye before he was taken away. And I can't still forgive myself for all the things that I've done in my hideous life.