Sting » Louis

eleven

Hours and days rolled by faster than I thought. I had started working at the Deakins' company much to my dismay and made a strong bond with Olivia. Max hadn't left, yet he was still focused on his work, paying little attention to me. Nevertheless, he remained his polite, caring self, always asking me how my day at work was or if I needed any help.

Paper boxes were around the house with Max's stuff. Yes, it was going to happen, he was moving almost four thousand miles away from me. And I didn't know how I should feel. Absence wasn't something that I could compromise with. First Louis, then my father, next Max. Knowing that a person that I loved was far away made me feel bitter loneliness. Sometimes, when my inner demons took over myself, I used to think; 'better dead than away', but this wasn't ethically right. I didn't have to be so selfish, always relying on others, I had to be independent. And let them live their lives. The people that I cared about wouldn't be always sticking around...

The appointments with my psychologist were lessened. Doctor Kane tried to persuade me to continue going to see her, but I refused justifying myself by saying I was busy with work or helping my fiance... Nonsense. The truth was that I believed she would always try to advise me according to what she thought was right, not to my beliefs. She was the doctor who took on me after my little adventure with Louis. The one that filled my head with a pack of lies. Of course, I didn't know that that moment. She gave me some tranquillizers, that in fact helped me in some difficult times.

I hadn't told my mother or Max about my employer. I was sure that the consequences of my 'foolish' action would be harsh. I was supposed to avoid him at all costs, not being at the same building with him every day. I couldn't really think straight or work properly as I knew that he  was at the same place with me and could come in my office any moment he wanted. But with the little conscious that was left within me I always tried avoiding him, with success. Most of days I wouldn't see him and I was glad I didn't. A little part of me, however, felt disappointed and empty when he wouldn't come at all at the office.

The chatter that reached my ears from the secretaries made my insides twitch and my heart tighten. Some said that he had girlfriend problems, others that he was seen the previous nights with girls at fancy restaurants or clubs. My eyes would become wetter than they should be, but I would leave and maybe let some tears slip in my office. Olivia, my new best friend, must have suspected something, but I told her that it was because of Max's departure, leaving her worried.

Every time that I did see Louis, he would be all clean and well dressed giving a cold glare to the employees and completely ignoring my presence. The few momets that our eyes would actually meet, it felt like a dream, making me feel so close to him, despite our distance, just like the past. Unfortunately my dream would never last long because his stare would always break away. 

I sat on my couch drinking my tea at home, thinking in the afternoons. 'Why did he act so distant? Could the secrataries' gossip be true? What if he really had a girlfriend?' . I was haunted by my own thoughts and in order to shoo them away I went to Max to gain consolation and get over my misery.

If only this was just a dream. If only nothing happened four years ago. Everything would be so different, so normal.

At nights I pretended that I had work to do, avoiding any questions from Max. Instead, I would listen to melancholic songs or send messages to Katy, who was actually still on her honeymoon in France. But I couldn't escape my fate. I would -almost every single night- cry myself to sleep. I was drowned in sorrow, but I did my best to pretend that everything was fine. I faked a smile every time someone asked me how I was, and moved on with my miserable life.

My mother had already picked the weeding invitations, and never ceased to remind me how excited she was for my marriage. Everything seemed perfect for her; Max was a successful businessman, I had a job at UK's best company, we owned a beautiful apartment, noone could disturb this flawless realationship... She even forced me to go find a weeding dress. I never really did, again justifying myself by saying that I was busy or unwell...

That was how my life was. Dull, unprepossessing. And I hated it. I hated being unhappy every day, incomplete. I was jealous of Katie, in a good way, of course. She was with someone she loved, having the life that she deserved. That life that everyone deserves. It  seemed to me God had other plans for my little self. I was to be repressed for the rest of my life.

There was no color in my life that could resurrect me. Maybe I was cursed at birth to experience all of these things. There was no logical explanation to what I had lived. Thousands of thoughts kept me from sleeping at nights, making my work in the office a feat. Day by day I was losing myself slowly and nobody could see this. Except for one.

Mrs. Deakins must have noticed my lifeless green eyes, my washy body and my antisocial behaviour. Thus, one day she asked me in her office. I hadn't suspected anything or reckoned that she had understood my condition, I did everything I could to hide it from everyone. I stood outside her office, adjusting my white loose shirt and knocked twice before entering. The same smell from the day I had met her for the first time engulfed me as she smiled softly and I neared her desk.

"Darling, take a seat." she seemed really worried and warm at the same time.

I felt uncomfortable immediately. I took a look at her blue eyes and her never fading smile as I sat. Grey clouds were hiding the blue sky and only a couple of sun rays managed to pass through them, illuminating London's buildings.

"Dear, I can see that the past weeks you seem harassed. Is there anything that troubles you?" the older woman asked me tactfully.

My gaze was fixed on my hands which were fidgeting on my lap. Her question made my nerves kick in and my breathing to become shallow. I didn't want to tell her. I couldn't tell her that Louis was the cause of my unhappiness. If I said that, surely she would tell Louis and things would become more complicated than ever. 

"No, ma'am. Everything is fine." I lied. "Just some personal matters, that I promise you they won't affect my work." I said hastily.

I didn't really want to lose my dream job for my personal caprices and sensitivity. I had to be careful around Mrs. Deakin and choose my words cautiously to prevent any probable misunderstanding.

"Oh, Gemma, work is nothing compared to people. I want you to feel alive again." she said and raised her hand to my face, caressing my left cheek softly. "I don't want to see that face unhappy ever again." 

I lifted my head slightly and gave her a sad smile. "I'll try." I whispered faintly.

"Right..."she smiled. "Now off to work, and remember if you want to discuss about anything, come to me."

"Thank you ma'am, I truly appreciate it." I said, walking out her office and moving to the lobby, where an unpleasant surprise awaited me...

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