Paracosm

Overdue

May 29, 2026

Hey there. I don't know where you are or if you'll ever see this. Somehow, I've read your writing and even if I can't any longer after this, I'm thankful I got the chance. You cross my mind all the time. In the stores when I see something you'd like, as i drive, whenever I want to do a calming activity and wish for the background of someone talking to their loved ones. Hell, you especially cross my mind every time I open Fortnite—which for a while, I couldn't even open.

But none of that is as important as the apology I owe you. I made a lot of mistakes in an attempt to hold onto you for as long as I could. I didn't mean to hurt you, to push you so hard, to not acknowledge your efforts. I just knew that I loved your company and I didn't want it to end. In the back of my mind, I also knew that, the harder I clung, the sooner I'd get tired and have to let go. I just didn't know how to stop clinging. It's all I know. I'm sorry I was selfish at times and I'm sorry I struggled to see you past my own filth. I know now that you were trying. I know that that even though we had good times, it became unhealthy. I assume, maybe you felt like you couldn't tell me your needs/wants because you were afraid you'd lose me. I was trying to tell you that the opposite was true...maybe it's stupid to write this so late when my head is swimming...maybe I'll have more to say after...is that okay?

I don't know how to get out everything that needs to be said. I'm sorry for how I left things. I'm sorry for what I wrote when I was angry. Two people can hurt at the same time, I know. It was just easier to get angry. I felt like you couldn't see that I was also hurting even if I was the what to let go first. I didn't want to, but I didn't know what else to do, M. I felt like I tried everything. I felt like we were never gonna see the others point of view. I got the voicemail you left and I wanted to fix it as soon as I heard your voice, I didn't mean to do that to you. I didn't want to. I realized that we got too close and it was my fault. I clung too tightly. I got scared that we were just two ticking time bombs, leading to a mass explosion. I admit, I was running from myself and my own pain and I found a familiar comfort (and pain) in you. I wanted you to be my constant and it wasn't fair.

You deserve to heal and I hope you get to one day. You deserve to be free and cry when you need to. Laugh only when you want to, not just because others are. I accept your apology and I wish you well. I don't expect anything to come of this, I just hope you're taking steps towards your dreams and I hope school is going well. I don't know...I just want you to be okay. I want myself to be okay. As for me, I wont ever let myself make the mistakes I made with you, with anyone else. I cannot let anyone else close enough see me so raw. I pushed you away and then reacted to your distance unfairly to you. There's so much I've wanted to tell you, but, I'll leave it at this. I hope you get the closure you deserve. I hope you've found a way out of your cage—for yourself.