Paracosm

Closed until further notice?

I'm afraid.

The closeness I desired and the softness in which I've freely given my heart to people—I'm afraid it won't come back. I don't know if I want it to. I feel sick. I feel like I can't get close to people, like I can't afford to let anyone see me. I was so desperate to be seen by anyone and everyone who showed me an ounce of love that I ripped my own heart out of my chest, giving it away with an "is this enough? Will you truly see me for my heart as you hold it in your hands? Will you hold me as it appeared you were so tenderly holding my most vital organ?" I forgot, appearances often deceive the most hopeful. You all held me close long enough to keep me needing more. I don't believe it was your intention, I want to believe you were scared too. So, you pull me close just to push me away.

I looked up after each push through my tear soaked eyes, clutching my now empty chest—I never wanted to get to the point where I acted as you did. Have I really become the things that have hurt me most? Is this all that I am now? Or am I worse? You see, deep down, I long to be close. But no longer do I cling and cling until I suffocate my companion. I know better now, it only hurt you and it only hurts me. I learned a lesson in each of you. Your push and pull, that one didn't work too well for me. From wound after wound, I learned—desire the closeness, but soon see it unsafe, never letting anyone know your desire. Oh God, I never wanted to lose my soft. in fact, I took joy in being cut open by many and still a soft girl, despite the loss of so much red.

No one I love gets out, because no one I love gets in. Ive became a jaded, jagged shell of the girl who used to scream at the top of her lungs, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." But, is it? And "to love and to be loved is not without risk." But, is the burden worth the benefit? If you asked me a year and some ago, the version of me who was so hopeful I could love someone into loving me, I would've said, "yes. Because everyone deserves someone" But did I? Do I? That version of me—I hurt for her.

I want to walk over and pull her sunken body into my lap. I want to look her in the eyes, as I wipe her tears and say, "you silly girl. You don't know do you? You cannot love harder, be more patient, shrink your own needs so you don't rock the boat, or suppress your emotions in the face of others. None of those will get you what your aching heart desires." Had she asked me where to go from there? I don't know what I would've said. I don't know where to go, who to turn to. I am selfish to those I kept at arms length. I am suffocating to those whom I've held so dear—the ones I struggle to get out of my mind. I fear, it's come to this. The only Option I haven't tried..being alone. Where I've now learned, is the safest place to be.