Paracosm

Time doesn't heal a damn thing

References: P.S & Sitting - 'The Cracks in me' (not mine) + Tattered shoes & flowers on concrete - Paracosm (Mine)

As time went on, your I do's felt less and less real...what started out as feeling like safety ended up becoming what felt the most dangerous. It began to scare me in ways I didn't know how to express, even though I tried. You hurt me and maybe you don't see how. I hurt you too, I'm aware of that. Your thought that I decided to cut you off where I knew it would hurt you so I wouldn't feel anything? That is wrong and I know you don't like being wrong. You predict and you predict. So much so that you end up fulfilling your own predictions. You refused to believe a word out of my mouth when I said I'd stay, you honestly thought that wouldn't hurt me? I did fight my hardest to love you fiercely, enough to make you believe my words one day.

But I realized, I couldn't fully do that without losing myself in you and then I did. I got scared and the misunderstandings on both ends felt too suffocating. If you don't wanna ever see things from my side, that's fine. Don't. If you wanna call me selfish and make me out to be the villain that I very well may be, do it. I asked what you need, and I meant it. Even if you couldn't tell me. I said it was asked without toxicity and I meant it. Maybe you are my tattered pair of shoes that are simultaneously my favorite and hurting my feet, but I won't be able to let go.

I don't know. Do you not agree that it became unhealthy? It's my fault, honestly. I let it get to that point. But you didn't have to either. We were both responsible for speaking up and sharing our needs. I didn't choose to put all the hurt on you.
How could you be so blinded by your pain as to think I didn't cry while saying goodbye, and even harder when your voicemail still came through after you were blocked? How could you really
think that I didn't wanna undo the hurt I heard in your voice and make it better? But I knew it would be terrible of me to be the same arms that hurt you and comforted you. That wouldn't be fair.

And I had to choose myself. Not because I don't love or care about you, that was my point. I do, I do, I do. You didn't hear me...you didn't see me. Not the way I needed you to. You knew when I blinked differently or moved about my home differently. But you didn't know how to hold my heart...l'm not saying you didn't try. And I love you for trying. I'm just saying, what I need, it was never fair to ask of you. You became my everything and it was too much for me to feel. Not because you were a burden. But because you pulled me close just to push me away constantly. And yes, it reminded me of him. And yes it reminded me of my mother. But I knew you weren't them. I was just trying to get you to see the severity of which you were hurting me.

You changed. You weren't fair. You masked because you were afraid of losing me and then you unmasked with your self fulfilling prophecy in mind—that everyone leaves you when you unmask. The truth? You don't give people time to adjust. You expect them to at the drop of a dime. And then when they struggle to, you say, "see? I told you, I knew this would happen. I'm a burden. I'm too much" you unintentionally make their head spin trying to prove you wrong, all while refusing to see any different. You dig your feet in the sand in a game of tug-o-war. Ten toes down, because your predictions have never failed you yet, right? It forces the person to have to let go of their rope. Some things you cannot change, I know. Your hyper-vigilance and predictions leading to self fulfilling prophecies, however, are a survival instinct that hurts those around you (or maybe just me) and ultimately you in the end. You needed them at a time, I know. They kept you safe at a time, I know. I guess you thought it helped protect you from me too. Did they after all? Does it hurt less to be right? Not on my end of things. Did you even for a second ever believe I wouldn't leave? Or were you braising for it both times? Because you think you're unworthy of love so maybe you sabotage it? We all do, I guess.

I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye. It was selfish of me to fear not being able to leave if I let you share your piece. I wish you well. I don't hate you, but if you hate me, I don't blame you and I guess I'll have to learn to be okay with that.