The Melon-Head Boy -a Simdil fanfiction-

Chapter twentyone: Falling Apart.

(Warning: Depressed thoughts and harm, kind of. NOT EDITED, SORRRRY)

-Double's POV-

We get home from the Police, having done a rapport. We'd gotten the number of a good therapist that I'm going to tomorrow. Thank god I don't have to go to some child's home or whatever it's called. 

I'm depressed. I know that I am depressed and I don't think it'll ever go away.

I feel like I've got thos huge hole where my heart is supposed to be, but still, my heart feels as heavy as ever. I don't know why it feels like that. I don't usually feel it all the time, but when I'm alone, the feeling always strikes, when I'm alone with my thoughts. My heart just feels like a hole, trying to suck out my feelings and soul, only leaving sadness and darkness. At the same time, it feels like this heavy wheight on my heart, pushing me down into the hole at the same time. I don't know why and it's fucking confusing. I've been thinking of cutting, even though I know I don't want to. I hope I'll never do it, but it just feels like... it would help.
 Like, when you feel like this, it's a feeling eating you up inside. If you'd cut... I don't know it feels like I'd actually be expressing myself in some wort of way, instead of letting the feeling drown me. I don't know... God, I don't know anything these days, I can't concentrate and it feels like everything around me is falling apart. I just feel so fucking lost. I'll just have a hard time feeling feelings, feeling anything. I feel have no control anymore, over anything in my life.

Ugh. 

Everything just feels fucking worthless, heavy, miserableand meaningless and I have no idea what to do about it. I FUCKING DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM, WHAT I'M FEELING OR WHAT I WANT TO SAY. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW. I JUST... don't know. 

I get in the shower, Martin and his parents downstairs. Shampooing my hair, I look over to my right and see a razor. Probably Martin's for shaving. Maybe I could...

I shake my head, turning away from it and wash out the liquid in my hair. I put in conditioner and stand in the shower, bored. I turn around again, searching for the soap. My eyes land on the razor. My mind take over, not able to handle the feeling in my chest. I take the razor

I slowly reach down with it to my left wrist, my hand shaking. I stop multiple times in the movement, not knowing what to do. I don't want to, but I feel the urge to. I feel the cold metal touching my wrist. I slice, not feeling anything. I look down, not a visible cut shown. I barely touched the razor on my skin, I probably did too weak. I reach down again, touching my skin with the razor a little rougher this time. My hand is still shaking slightly and I slice. 

Nothing. I reach down again, really pressing it against my skin. As I'm about to finally do it, feeling how my heart must get lighter I take it away from my wrist. I slam it down where I found it, tears threatening to fall. 

I stand there for a while, breathing heavily and shaking.

I wash out the conditioner and quickly leave the shower.

-

(A/N: So... Guys... I need to tell you something. If you read the whole text about Double (wich you should) you should know that I got this from my own experience. I just wrote exactly how I feel, with depression weighing me down, with how it feels and all of that. The shower scene, well, I copied what happened to me yesterday. Exactly what happened.

I think I suffer from derpession. I don't know what I am, who I am or anything. Only 3 of my friend know about this, and I just thought you guys should know. I don't feel motivated to do anything. My mom works as a therapist and I'll talk to her on monday...

Okay, bye ya'll. Hope you understand.

/Elo xx)