Before We Were Fifty

Chapter 16:

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I know I must've been out for a long time because I'm in a different room and a different gown. All I remember is my conversation with Mom. Holy shit- I had another brother... I'm sorry I never really got to know him. It's not that I didn't. Try- it was just hard when I was competing with seven other voices in his head. Sitting up slowly, there's a curtain on the right of me and all I hear are machines. The floral wallpaper makes me sick- I get people in hospitals need to have that small spark of joy or hope- but why this girly shit? So cliche.

"Hello?" Who the hell is that? The small voice sounds frail and curious.

"Hi?" I wait and soon the small voice returns.

"I'm Callie...who are you?"

"I'm Dakota- how old are you?"

"Eleven....how old are you?"

"23."

"Do you have a failing heart too?" Oh. No...

"I have a damaged heart...I don't know if it's failing..." Her sigh bellows in my ears and my heart stings.

"It must be...or else you wouldn't be in here with me." She is Irish- I know the accent well. "They only put failing hearts in here."

"How...how long have you been in here?"

"Well today's Sunday- so... two years. When I was nine I had really bad seizures or something that damaged my heart- I rarely get to leave the hospital- let alone this room." Oh the pain I feel for this young girl. Why would God do this to her. Sitting up better, I lean over my bed-rail and pull back the curtain so I can see her. "You never said you were that Dakota!"

"What?"

"You're Dakota Johnson! I've seen you in Beastly and Ben and Kate! I was mad when they only did one season." Blushing, I smile to her and try not to cry when I see how tiny the red headed girl is. Her green eyes are so bright and luminous.

"I didn't know anyone actually seen that show."

"Are you kidding- I love that show."

"I'm so glad. I love your doggy pajamas."

"Thanks. They let me wear what I want- within reason of course." Turning on my side, I rest my head on my arm and just stare at her as she looks out the window for a few minutes.

"Hello ladies!" A male nurse with blonde hair and bright blue eyes smiles as he come in our room. "Ms. Johnson, it's nice to see you up. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Just Dakota, please."

"Alright. And how is my princess today?" He goes over to Callie and they hug. He must be about 26 or so.

"I'm perfect now that Dakota is here- but I really want her to be okay so she can keep making movies." I sniff a tear back and look at my hands.

"Yes, that would be a good thing. We also want to find you a heart so you'll be able to go home."

"Yeah- would you visit me if I got out?"

"Of course! Anything for my Princess." Turning back to me, he smiles and begins to leave.

"Um... Do you know anything about my boyfriend- Jamie Dornan?"

"Last time I heard he was in recovery. I'm Corrigan by the way."

"Nice to meet you." Nodding his head, he turns and leaves.

"You're dating Jamie Dornan? I love him in  Once Upon the Time!"

"Haha, I had the same reaction when I met him."

"What's he like?"

"He's very charming and very handsome." My Jamie. Huh, I can't shake the feeling in my gut that we'll never surpass this tragic event. "Can I let you in on a secret?"

"Yes." She whispers excitedly and leans closer to me.

"He's the father of my son and he wants to get married..." Her face becomes pink and her smile grows wider.

"Are you?"

"He hasn't asked me, but we've discussed it a bit."

"I hope you do. I bet he's gonna ask you soon." We pause for a second- both sadly remember that he could be anywhere with his recovery- and then continue to chatter about Jamie for the rest of the afternoon.

**THE NEXT DAY**

Again- I don't know when I fell asleep but once more it must have been for a while because I'm not in Callie's room any more. Sitting up, I frantically look around and in no time a female nurse with streaky brown hair and "twiggy" eyelashes comes in the room.

"Ah, Ms. Johnson. I am Merida. I'm filling in for Corrigan today. How are you feeling this morning?" Looking around, I feel my body shake mildly. Why do I keep passing out? "How are you feeling today Miss?"

"Excuse me, but why am I in here? Where's  Callie? That young girl?" Her face becomes grim and my heart sinks lower and lower. "No...no...please tell me...no."

"I'm sorry Miss...young Callie passed away last night.... You were there when it happened. Don't you remember?"

"What?"

"You were screaming and hollering cause her monitor was going off and we couldn't bring her back. I'm really sorry Miss." Tears burn down my face and all I can do is shake. Why don't I remember that? Why don't I remember the terror I probably felt? Merida finishes up with my vitals and goes to leave before turning back to me. "The doctors think that when your heart feels pain, it shuts down your nerve endings causing you to go into a coma for a while. They're still trying to understand it."

When my heart feels pain? So like I'm never supposed to get angry or upset? Like ever again? How's that even possible? I can't control what makes me emotional and what doesn't! This is bullshit.

After a few minutes of sulking an such, Mom and Stella come in- Dad's holding Lukas as he bounces in with my baby on his hips. A few tears spring up in my eyes, but I push them back.

"Mommy!"Lukas cries and Dad brings him closer to me.

"Oh baby boy! I've missed you so much honey."

"Dakota, we have some news." My dad's voice is heavy and his face seems pained. No. I don't want to know what's going on. I don't want to hear anything bad. I shake my head and just hold Lukas tight against me. Whatever he's going to say is just gonna put me over and make me forget what happens next anyway. I don't want to forget holding my baby. I never want to lose that feeling.

"Dakota what's wrong?" Tears pool down my face and they become blurry. My mom steps forward and touches my cheek. My chest pounds and I just hold Lukas tighter. "Dakota, you need to calm down baby. It's fine. Everything's gonna be fine baby."

Reassuring. No. My pain grows throughout my body and I can feel myself slipping into the darkness. This is why it feels like. The searing pain of each heart beat the deafening silence blazing in my ear drums and the vast darkness closing in around me. I can't feel myself holding Lukas any more. I can't feel my limbs. Nothing seems to exist any more as I slip away I to my pain.