Before We Were Fifty

Chapter 9:

Oh fuck, my head. I haven't slept at all- a few minutes here or there, but nothing consistent. This pain in my cranium is that of an ice pick being burrowed into someone's face. God, put me out of my misery. Laying in pain, Jamie has his arms wrapped protectively around me and all I want is him to be awake with me. I wish he understood how terrible I feel, but at the same time, I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. Listening closely to the baby monitor, I hear something odd. Slowly sitting up, I grab the box from the bedside table and hold it to my ear. It's Lukas, but I can't hear what he's saying.

Getting out of bed, I slowly shuffle in the spinning blackness to my bedroom door, before going into Lukas' room. Stepping inside, he's sitting up and looking at me with tears in his eyes.

"Baby boy, what's wrong?"

"Dad!" He cries and I sigh beget climbing in bed with him.

"What about Dad?"

"Me want. Gone?"

"No, sweetie, Dad's sleeping in my bed. You can see him in the morning."

"Mornnnning?" He says with a yawn.

"Yes baby. Dad won't leave without saying goodbye."

"No!"

"Honey, it's really late. Can we talk about this in the morning babe?"

"Dad!" Well this makes me feel loved. I was gone for two weeks and Jamie wormed his way up to Lukas' favorite. You'd think after two years of taking care of him, he'd be a lot more concerned about me than some guy he barely knows.

"You want yer Dad, fine. Seems you've stopped loving me just as much as everyone else around here. Go ahead, you can live with him in stupid Ireland!" Growling, I climb out of bed and leave my child there, still crying and more in shock. Grabbing my keys, I get in my car, but I can't start it up. Slamming my anger out on the steering wheel, I begin to sob as I imagine Jamie taking both babies and eventually finding a beautiful new woman he finds more suited for him. Oh here's the fucking spinning again. I hate this. I hate how I feel emotionally, mentally, and physically! Fucking concussion! Stupid Jamie! Damn kids!

**TAP ON GLASS**

Waking up to a gray sky and some rain, I jump as I see Jamie tapping on my Cooper's window and holding an umbrella over his head. Shit, I must've feel asleep in the driver's seat. I turn the car on and roll down the window with a yawn.

"What are you doin' in yer car?"

"I...I was gonna go somewhere, but my head hurts so bad- I can't drive, not today..."

"I heard yer argument with Lukas this morning. You wanna talk?"

"And say what? That my son hates me and that I'm so fucking tired and shit..."

"Lukas doesn't hate you. He..."

"He would rather live with you. He wants you, that's all. It's so frustrating to have yer own child- disown you." Coming around the other side of the car, Jamie getting in after shutting the umbrella. Turning to face me, he grabs my hands- kisses them, and places a chaste kiss on my lips.

"He loves you honey. Trust me. He only ever asked for you when we weren't at the hospital. And even then it was, 'is mommy up?', 'Mommy okay?'- constant. I just got up and he was crying hysterically because he couldn't find you anywhere." I sit back in my seat and look out the windshield-where raindrops are racing to the hood. "I don't know what yer feeling physically or any other way with the concussion, but I do know that Lukas would be devastated if you left and never came back for him. He's a kid, kids have phases no one understands, but eve in those phases the kid will know who loves him and love them back. Dulcie has been nothing but asking for you. It doesn't worry me though. She wants a mother who loves her, just like Lukas wants a father."