Before We Were Fifty

Chapter 15:

Turning over onto my side in Jamie's full sized bed- I slowly open my eyes and find Jamie's strong gentle arms holding me close around my torso and his face sleepily pressed to my chest. I feel cramped and suffocated, but at the same time immersed in love and beauty. Last night was difficult. Okay I was difficult, but I felt I was rational in my thinking... Alright I was mostly irrational, but that doesn't matter now. No, what matters is that we told each other we love them. That's a big step for us... For anyone! I love Jamie. I truly do and I hope he meant it as well.

"I can hear you thinking..." He mumbles tiredly against me. Kissing his forehead, I play with his hair and his eyes flutter slowly awake. "Hmm, I want life to be like this until I die."

"What?"

"Me waking in your arms." Blushing, I kiss him again and now he's propped himself up on his elbow. "I love you."

"I love you too." Why am I so nervous around him? He's not forcing me to do anything- this fear is irrational.

"What's wrong?"

"N...nothing..." Suddenly he's up with a jolt and tugging his jeans back on over his boxers and un tucking his tee shirt that got trapped in them. "What's wrong?"

"Why do you insist on lying to me?"

"What?"

"You never tell me how you feel. You just lie to get around the question. Don't you trust me? Dakota I am always honest with you, why is it you can't be with me?" Where is this coming from? I've never seen him like this. Oh wait, yes I have. The morning after we had sex.

"I'm sorry... Jamie, I'm not used to sharing my feelings with people. Please... Don't be mad. I'm just nervous." His body slowly calms down and his shoulders slump forward. After his angered gaze turns into a concerning one, he mindlessly wanders back over to where in sitting up in bed and sits facing me and taking my hands in his.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to flip out." Kissing my temple, he pulls me close and hugs me til I feel normal again. "What are you nervous about?"

"You... I don't want to ruin this and, huh, I don't want you to think I'm a child."

"Honey you won't ruin anything. I need to stop treating you like a child. You are a beautiful, smart, and versatile woman who is the mother of my child."

"I just don't want to be a mistake..."

"Stop." Holding onto my biceps, he firmly holds me at arms length and looks deep into my eyes. "You are never going to be a mistake. Lukas and Dulcie will never be a mistake. You know why? Because mistakes aren't people you love and want to share the rest of your life with. I love you so damn much. You are the best mother for our children and I want nothing more than to marry you some day."

Fuck. Did he just say marry? Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

"Calm down. I know you're internally freaking out. It doesn't have to be right now or in the next few years...if it's not what you want then..." Kissing him firmly on the mouth, I hope this reassures him. I want to marry him, but I never thought he'd actually bring it up.

"I want to marry you someday. There's no question about it...I just never expected you to actually say it out loud." Looking at me, he seems relieved and pulls me into a hug.

***THAT EVENING**

Sitting in the car, Jamie makes the final arrangements with his father before coming to the car. He's taking me out for a date. Like an actual date. It'll be out first. Oh how the nerves are hitting me like bricks or... uhhh, oh right- a canon ball. My dress, that is light blue and sparkly on the top, comes just above my knees and I can't help but feel sick to my stomach.