Healing

XXXIX - ruined

I finished my second degree woohoo! hence why I was gone so long. writing a research project and then defending it in front of the professors takes time and concentration. But yeah, business degree added to the list yay

There's gonna be one more chapter after this and the epilogue.

bel, xx

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The familiarity of Jaebeom's room does nothing to ground him; if anything, it only suffocates him.

Jinyoung sits up, gasping for air, both hands pressed flat to his chest as if he could physically hold himself together. He must be drowning because he cannot get air into his lungs, he cannot feel his body, and he is slowly losing sight of everything around him. The only thing he is aware of is the rumbling of his heartbeat, so loud it is becoming deafening.

The lack of oxygen makes his whole body start trembling and his head spin. Jinyoung clenches to his chest with even more fervour, trying to find a tether to reality, anything to keep him afloat, but it's futile; when he closes his eyes, he isn't in his boyfriend's room anymore; all he can see now is the snow, and Jaebeom on his knees in it, and all the pain he caused him.

He should've never woken up. He should've died instead on that hospital bed.

Horrified with himself, the young man crawls out of the bed, still gasping for air because even if he knows he is the worst thing that's happened to Jaebeom and he doesn't deserve to be there, his body still fights to stay alive.

Why? Why can't it just give up once and for all?

"Jinyoung?" Jaebeom calls, awakening from the thud of Jinyoung's body against the floor.

Jinyoung wants to whine, both because Jaebeom's voice is soothing but at the same time it's a reminder that he doesn't deserve that man, not after what he did to him, to his family.

A whimper escapes him, and he struggles to get away, farther from the bed—from Jaebeom.

"Hey, what happened? Are you okay?" The older man asks, immediately turning the bedside lamp, his voice charged with concern.

Jaebeom finds him kneeling on the carpet floor, clutching his chest, fighting to make air come into his lungs.

"Jinyoung! What's wrong? What's happening?" Jaebeom is already wide awake, rushing to his side, his hands pulling him to sit straight. "Hey, breathe, Jinyoungie, breathe with me."

But Jinyoung still can't, all he can manage are struggling gasps and choked sobs.

"Breathe with me, Jinyoungie. Listen to my voice and only my voice," Jaebeom instructs, pulling the younger man against his chest and holding him tight. "One, breathe in. Two, breathe out. One, breathe in. Two, breathe out."

Jaebeom continues like that, constant while never letting go of Jinyoung. His warmth and firm chest helps him connect back with reality, and his instructions manage to coax him to calm down and breathe normally again. Finally, Jinyoung stops panicking and is left only quietly crying while Jaebeom holds him against his chest. And he knows he should pull away, he doesn't deserve his help, his comfort, but he's too weak to move, to do anything just yet.

"Nightmare?" Jaebeom asks, slowly unwrapping his arms as if he was scared that if he did, Jinyoung would spiral out of control again.

Carefully, the older man shifts them until they are face to face on the floor. Jinyoung hears the alarmed intake of air when Jaebeom sees the tears streaming down the younger man's face. His boyfriend rushes to cradle his face with that gentleness he's grown used to already, but tonight that same care tears his chest open and destroys his heart because he doesn't deserve it. He can't accept it.