Fighting Darkness

Chapter Twelve

I felt really just ugh writing this, just because if how sad it is. I would love to thank three of my friends who had helped me tremendously with supporting this story:) Anyway sorry it's so sad, but you have to go through heart break before happiness... That was deep:) enjoy anyway.  

Ps. I really can't express how grateful I am for everyone reading it. Thank you so much!!:)

***Paige*** 

Music drowns out the sound of my obnoxious sobbing. Ever since I came home, I pushed myself through Derek's hug, found my old CD player and emptied the box. Now all that I am, no, all that I have is the lyrics that sing about breakup, makeup, and sex.  

Each album takes away what I want from the world. The instruments give me the reasoning why I'm wrong, but the words represent why I'm right, but being right isn't always the best choice. Leaving Nathan there to stand like a fool and me to look like a jerk just breaks me, but he was trying to make me feel something I didn't... Something... Something I couldn't.  

I don't love. In fact I won't because its easier not to love, not to feel the pain and worry that you should feel. It's easier than having to wonder what you're doing wrong, if he actually loves you.  

The house phone hasn't rang, the doorbell stays silent the only sounds that are in the apartment are my crying and music; Derek's walking around. I sit on my floor looking for a reason to move. So far the only reasons i have are: 

To change clothes 

Shower 

Food 

Nathan 

But the last part won't happen. It probably never will.  

The makeup still splatters to my face, mascara is mostly off by the crying. I feel numb and lifeless, the only thing I want and probably shouldn't is a cigarette. Fill my lungs with the toxic air; blowing it out to taint my clothing and surrounding in the nauseous smell. 

When I was younger, everyone did it. Thought it was cool, so I gave it a try. When Grandma B, found out I was kicked out her house for a couple days. I was fifteen. 

It always seems like, when you're younger, everything's a good idea. Then you look back and it really wasn't. I don't know if leaving Nathan there was the best decision, but saying I love you? My mind went wild.  

Speakers slam into the CD player as the music rocks the walls. This is my only escape. The one thing that can keep me from raging.  

I turn my head to the left, looking under my bed. Dust mostly covers the floor, except for the dark orange square that sits in the middle. Grabbing the thing; sitting up to put it in my lap, I can tell I forgot about it. The orange is faded, showing the underneath coat, pages of photos hang out the sides. The title still remains intact.  

Paige Mechelle Rogers <3 

I always thought my middle name was cool, having the "e" instead of the "I", but it's really just another name. Spelled differently makes it look stupid. I look stupid.  

The cover flips in my hands, and the first eight pictures come up.  

My thirteenth birthday party. 

The new dog I got.  

Freshman prom.  

Pages fill with the memories, and notes stuffed into a pocket I made. 

One catches my eye. I open the folded up paper, pink trimming wraps around it, while shaky handwriting marks through it. 

Dear Daddy, June 15 

How are you in heaven? Grandma tells me it's nice because nothing goes wrong up there. I wish I was up there with you. Grandma won't let me see mom because she was yelling how mommy was a trader. Is mommy a trader daddy? That's what she always says. Mrs. Fredrick said my art work was good today. Are you proud? But dad I always get this feeling in my heart... That I can't explain. Anyway I have dance practice tonight, I hope you watch how good I am. 

Love,  

Paige Mechelle Rogers.

Another note falls after that. A much later date after the first one. 

Hey dad, September 28 

It's almost my birthday. I'll be fifteen. Are you mad at me that I tried cigarettes? Grandma said you would be.. She said mom didn't love me anymore. I quit dance. After seven years I quit. And I don't know why dad. But I'm scared... Got to go. Grandmas coming. 

-Paige

Every note seems to scatter from the pocket, leaving a giant mess on the floor, each one had the same title. Dear Daddy, and they all have to mention something about my mom. Picking up another letter, this one has only a few words. 

Dad,  

I'm mad at mom. She had a baby.... Now it's gone. THEY BLAMED IT ON YOU DADDY!! I don't get why... 

-Paige

I stop after that. Remembering when I wrote it and why.  

Mom married a new man I didn't care to meet. When they had a baby, so much stress was put on her, the baby, and my mom's body couldn't handle it. The baby died when it was born, and she blamed it on him... My dad. The person who was my hero, and I know he wouldn't do something like that. I crumple the note, shoving everything back under my bed. Letting Snow Patrol's music sink every hatred I developed for my mom right then. She wouldn't take me away from this place. From Grandma B, I sent a secret letter receiving one back days later, but she didn't care, and three years ago, when I was fifteen, I stopped caring for her, and this letter made me remember why.