Fighting Darkness

Chapter Fifteen

Sorry for everything being so short, but again it's for shadowing for them. I feel like they need a voice so I gave them a chapter anyway enjoy:)

***Paige***

I want Sapphire to know me. I want her to be my best friend. I want to be close like we're sister, but that's a dream that's far away.

I need Nathan, but I pushed him away, now where in a force field, him on one side and me on the other. Nathan probably just blew it off like it was big deal. He has the blonde skank he picked up at the bar. Now I'm on the other side with darkness surrounding me, no light, no direction, just a glass window that lets me see out, but I can't see him. I can't see anyone. I see myself, brown hair out of place, eyes swollen from crying, clothes that don't fit right, body small, fragile, weak. I want to lash out at the girl, at me, tell her she could be better. That no one will love her, but Nathan said he would. Nathan said he did, and I walked down the street, five in the morning to Derek's apartment. Now I'm laying in his bed, full of disgust and regret.

Disgust with myself looking like a torn up rag doll, regret because I don't know if I love him, and if I do and I just didn't figure it out, I wished I said it.

Rolling out of Derek's bed, I walk to my room, letting the colors drown me, and letting the bathroom walls kill me. This mirror shows a worse girl. One that doesn't look well, sick, but not sick for food or of the flu, but sick for love. I want the love that everyone else has, but I can't get my hands on it.

"Let love find you." They tell me.

I'm eighteen, and where is this love? Why isn't my heart about to explode by how much emotion I feel?

Today will be a total makeover. Not for Nathan, not for Derek, but for me. Grandma would love to see me, don't want to disappoint her with how I look.

The bathtubs water fills quickly, soaking up everything in sight. The lavender towel sits on the toilet seat, waiting to dry the mess of me.

Warm water washes over my body, engulfing me in a hug I can't get out of. My hair touches my back, soaking in the water, how much I missed just to relax again. I grab the end of the wet strands. Maybe I could cut it an inch or two, its mid way it won't look to dramatic.

I finish cleaning every part of me; wrapping the towel around me, the reflection shoots me. My eyes look better, and now it's time to pay attention to the mess on my head. Grabbing the pair of scissors from the drawer, I grab the end I want to cut. The scissors run smoothly over the wetness of hair, landing on the floor. Taking the other part I do the same. Getting the bangs that come to my neck are in layers at my chin.

The drawer closes with a thunk, and my hair rest a couple inches above my torso. I run my fingers through the thread like strands, letting it fall back down. Clothes lay on the floor scattered every where, little remains in my closer, but I put on what I do have. A blue acid wash pair of pants along with a Ramones shirt. Tying it together with white converse. All this will be moved to Maine. It's for a new start. A fresh beginning. The start of something new, but what if it won't be good, and it just ends up bad?

Even though I left she won't be afraid to take me back. Even though I hated her when I was little, I'm coming back.

A ring is heard through the phone, screaming in my ear. A sweet voice picks up muttering a hello, before something slams in the background.

"Hey, Grandma." I say nervously. Everything feels like it just stops. She probably takes it like I haven't existed since now.

"Paige? Oh Lord, it's good to hear from you!" Grandma excites. Nows my time to tell her. If you want a new beginning you have to do it now.

"Grandma, I actually needed to tell you something," I pause searching for words to add, "it's just really important." I have a bedroom set up. I never took anything besides myself and dignity that I lost. The shuffling of her hair against the phone tells me she's ready for whatever I'm going to say, and I take a deep breath, breathing in everything I know. Words spoke out calmly, but in a rush.

"I'm moving back to Maine."

I don't know if the phone dropped or she broke, because the next thing I know is I hear a shatter.

"Paige! That's so exciting! When do you think you'll be here, so I can pick you up from the airport?"

I sigh, it's all sudden, looking around the room I don't have much pack, four boxes at the most.

"I don't know, but soon. I have to go."

"Love you, dear." With that she hangs up, I'm left to decide with how I'll make the silent goodbye, but I want Nathan's to be the loudest.

I grab the first suitcase from the closet, grabbing a handful of clothes from my desk, setting them down to fold them before starting with a new pile.

My final goodbye will be silent, moving away again will be the hardest, bit who is there to miss? Most definitely not Derek or Sapphire, and I don't know about Nathan, but I want my goodbye for him to hurt.