FANGED

Chapter Four

Needless to say, after his Kung Pao shower, Brion sent me home. Well, to be honest, he really didn't send me home per se as much as shouted for me to "get out" through his blubbering. I took his tear streaked, Diet Coke, egg-rolled ridden face as sympathy to my cause and headed home.

After my epic projectile vomiting, I weaved my way out to Gizmo. I was so blasted hot, I felt like I was walking across the surface of the sun on my way to the bathing pits of hell with Lucifer himself. No amount of AC flowing out of the vents was helping cool me down and by the time I drove into my front yard, I was soaked in sweat.

Yeah, about the front yard...sorry Mrs. Myrtle. I sort of missed the driveway by a good 50 feet or so, but I did manage to miss the rose beds. The mailbox, on the other hand, is presently wedged under Gizmo's overbite like a bit of spinach.

I crawled out of my car and laid splayed across the grass doing an impression of a virginal sacrifice. Okay, so I was no virgin and there are bugs in the grass which made me eventually roll over and make my way to the door. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to put a key into a knob when you have an overactive depth perception? I'll tell you...it's pretty damn hard. Don't believe me? Belt the Hubble Telescope to your head and try it.

Ages later, I managed to get the front door open and began trailing my way to the bedroom. My purse I abandoned at the front door. It was much too heavy and slowing me down. Next, I discarded my keys. The clangorous jingle of them made my head explode into multifaceted colors. My Croc shoes were tossed. I punted one somewhere into the kitchen and the other sailed through the air landing with a deafening thud over by the sofa.

Unzipping my pants took a bit longer than planned and I almost shredded them in frustration trying to get them off. Finally I managed and dropped the soaking wet garment on the floor next to my bedroom door. My Superpumper shirt got ripped off my body sending buttons pinging around the room like shrapnel and thrown against the wall where it stuck for a second or two before sliding to the floor leaving behind a wet streak.

The few last steps to my bed seemed to be the longest journey of my life. My feet dragged across the shagged carpet and my arms were outstretched, my fingers trying to pull my bed closer as I lumped along. I could totally be a Walking Dead zombie and if I survived whatever that scientist guy gave me, I promised myself I would put together a resume in the morning as I finally flopped on the bed.

Also, I was swearing off drugs. Not that I actually ever did drugs, but if the opportunity happened to present itself, I was definitely beyond a shadow of a doubt, saying no. Visions of Mrs. Regan's "Just Say NO" drug campaign danced in through my head as I faded off to sleep.

Nightmares took over, kicking Mrs. Regan to the curb and haunted my dreams. Blood thirsty pink rabbits chased me endlessly through a maze of corndogs. The ferocious little fuzzy demons nipping at my heels and gobbling down my newly acquired red peep toed pumps, leaving me to limp across something incredibly cold and gelatinous.

Looking down expecting to see lime green Jell-O or something, I was horrified when I saw millions of worms, maggots and other slimy invertebrates wiggling between my French manicured toes. I opened my mouth to scream, but instead of an ear piercing screech, thousands of butterflies came fluttering out.

Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this dream, I thought as I ran for all I was worth. The squish, squish sounds of my feet hitting the ground drove me faster, only I wasn't moving and the pink bunnies were creeping closer and closer. Their ragged teeth snapping and clacking together as they approached. I could see bits of red leather sticking in-between their sharp little fangs.

Suddenly, a black mist enveloped me in a blanket of darkness and I could feel myself being lifted off the slimy ground. The pink rabbits jumping and snipping at my feet as I sailed out over the corndogs. One of them regurgitated part of my shoe and smiled deviously. Its fanged bunny chompers gleaming.