FANGED

Chapter Six

As soon as the evil sun slid behind the hill, I scampered out from behind my refuge. Stretching my hands high above my head, I smiled in blissful pleasure as all my joints snapped and popped back into their proper places. Being behind the couch all day hadn't been the most comfortable of spots. The sad thing, I wasn't even a hundred percent positive it was necessary. There was a lot of conflicting information on the internet on whether or not vampires could be in the sun, but since I wasn't willing to become a human torch to find out, I stayed in my Lazy Boy fortress.

Tilting my head to the left and right, I cracked my vertebra back into position. Unless I wanted to learn how to become a contortionist, I needed black out curtains...pronto. I was definitely not going to spend another day hiding behind that floral print nightmare with nothing more than an M&M and stale Cheetos. Fortunately, shopping was my super power, so getting my undead butt down to Bed, Bath and Beyond wasn't no big whoop.

My stomach rumbled hard and felt like it was trying to gnaw its way to my spine while sounding as if I had swallowed a rock polisher. Food. I needed some and now. My future shopping spree would have to wait. I dashed to the kitchen, skidding across the floor like a racecar going around a turn. Damn...I'm fast.

Like Speedy Gonzales fast. I jogged around the kitchen island about a 100 times in less than a minute and I wasn't even panting. Cool! Workouts from here on out were going to be a breeze. Kiss my pasty ass Jillian Michael, your Insanity work out doesn't stand a chance against me. Who knows, I might even finally run that marathon. Well, probably not, but it was nice to know I could if I wanted to.

Another hard pang from my protesting gut reminded me what I was actually in the kitchen for. Skipping lightly to the fridge, I popped the door open...and off its hinges. Shit! I stood there in shock as it swung in my hand as if I was holding nothing more than a feather. Apparently I had some serious super strength to go with my impressive speed. Hercules! Hercules!

My belly, not impressed, growled loud enough to rival thunder. Gently, I laid the door up against the kitchen wall and proceeded to scrounge for sustenance. I bypassed the dozen tiny tubs of fat free yogurt which probably was growing penicillin by now. Brushing those aside next to the long forgotten and rather smelly leftover tofu stir fry from several nights ago, I continued my search. There were so many unidentifiable things in here, I was surprised the refrigerator hadn't claimed to be Zuul the Gatekeeper of Gozer.

Carefully, I pulled open the bins and dug around. Carrots...nope. Celery...no. Broccoli...oh hell no. When did I decide to go green? Oh yeah, after I read that bit about monkeys in Russia who were fed a steady diet of "power foods" and were able to solve complex mathematical equations. I could chew on the jolly Green Giant and still need to take my shoes off to do addition. Okay, so I am not that bad, but close enough. I slammed the drawer in frustration and it shatter into a zillion pieces.

"Stupid made in China plastic," I grumbled, willing to blame another continent rather than point the finger at myself for not being more careful. Staring at all the little tiny shards glittering in the light only added to my annoyance. Sure, they get to "glitter", but I don't. Hunger was making me bitchy. Besides, I had enough on my plate with being a vampire, China can take some of the load.

The thought of plates had my stomach clawing for relief. I dove back into the fridge and finally hit the motherland. Behind the tub of imitation butter that tasted nothing like the real thing no matter how many hot guys you had hawking it, sat a package of ground beef. Unthawed and laying in a puddle of dark, red...delicious...blood. Saliva flooded my mouth. Without thinking twice, I snatched the cellophane package and held it with more reverence than Smigul did with his precious ring.

Delicately, I pulled back the clear plastic keeping me from my prize. The lovely aroma of raw beef mixed with the iron metallic smell of blood hit my senses like a sledge hammer. My canine teeth punched out of my mouth like two little heat seeking missiles. For a moment, as I beheld the sight, I swore I could hear the celestial singing of angels.