Goner | M.C.

Part 1

[Michael Clifford]

I had made up my mind. That became very clear after I saw the pictures that had circulated around the internet the night before of my replacement.

The last couple of month I hadn't been in the best mind frame, and in all honesty, I had taken it out on my friends and band mates and anyone else who dared to stand to close. My rudeness and irritability had gotten to them and in the end, all they could do with fire me.

Music was my life. It was the only thing I could rely on and when it was taken away it only darkened my already pitch black state of mind.

. . . . .

"Look Michael..." Luke spoke loudly as he stood over me like a tower, his blonde hair a beacon of style and perfection, unlike the unruly mess of red dye that mirrored my internal struggle to a tee.

The green room was chaos. It was like that before every show, crew members, and venue employees scrambled in the last few minutes to be sure everything was set for our last show of the tour.

"We've been friends-"

"Best friends," I corrected him from my spot on the couch.

Luke shot me a serious look as he began to pace the carpeted floor in front of me.

"We've been best friends for a long time and I know there is a lot going on in your head lately."

I scoffed at the ground and immediately put my guard up, crossing my arms over my chest like a spoiled child who never got what they wanted. My band mates, our manager, our record label, they only ever had things to say about my failures, never my accomplishments, and it put a strain on not only me but also my band mates as well.

"That!" The tone of his voice surprised me, he hands gesturing toward my sour expression and defensive stance. "That is the attitude that we can't stand anymore! What happened to you, man? You used to be so different."

He was right. I had been different. But this was what happened to people in the entertainment industry. Either an artist stood up and fought for what they believed in or if beaten down enough an artist turned into the person I was now: bitter, cold and unsure.

There was too much pressure that came along with the job I had dreamed of since before I could remember. All I ever wanted was to play music with my friends. But there was a pressure that came along once a band hit it big time. We had to great, we had to keep our sound, but find a way to reinvent ourselves to stay relevant to the public.

All the people talking in my ear, telling me what was the best choice to make. I was drowning in a sea of people who wanted me to be a superstar when all I wanted was to be back in Luke's living room shooting videos to post on our youtube channel.

This life wasn't just about me anymore and my friends and our love for music. It was about the people who carried us and supported us from the start, our fans. I didn't want to let our fans down, but the pressure on my shoulders was becoming too much. I was defeated.

"We've decided to let you go, Mike," Luke spoke so quietly I had to lean forward to hear the words.

To say I didn't know this moment was coming would have been a lie. But I never would have expected it in the few minutes before our show, with people moving around us as though this wasn't about to change everything. It felt like I had been repeatedly stabbed in the chest.

I averted my gaze from him because I knew there was no changing his mind. My band mates may have agreed to it, but the order had come from our label. It was what was best for the image of the band.

Tears stung the backs of my eyes as I wiped at my reddening cheeks. The entire situation left me devistated and only made me sink further into the depths of my depression. What was I supposed to do now?

"Maybe you should talk to someone," Luke suggested after I didn't say anything in response. "Get some professional help."

In that moment I was more angry than sad. Luke was supposed to be my friend, my brother. How was it so easy for him to throw me aside? For the good of the band. Was that more important than our friendship?

"I don't need professional help." I stood up from the couch and glared at him. "I need new friends."

. . . . .

Two months had passed since that conversation and I still remembered the fiery rage I had felt and how badly I had been burned.

5 Seconds of Summer had taken a leave of absence after that night. But with the pictures of the new member, it was obvious that everyone else was trying to move on. Was I really that forgettable?

Thoughts of the new album ran through my mind. I had put so much work into those songs and now I wouldn't be able to share them with the world the way I wanted to. They were no longer my songs, they were apart of 5 Seconds of Summer's contract. After putting in so many hours of my time and energy I now had nothing to show for it.

In the last two months, I had done a lot of planning. I made lists and thought about what I could do with my life now that I was no longer in the band I co-founded.

Going back to school wasn't an option. I hated it before and I would surely hate it now. I thought about becoming a songwriter, but where was the fun in writing songs when they would just be sold to the highest bidder. Being able to play them to a crowd was more than half the reason I wrote.

Then I thought, why not try a solo act? But that idea was instantly scrapped when I realized if I couldn't make it in a band then I most definitely couldn't on my own. At least in a band, I had other members to lean on, if I tried it on my own, I was sure I would drown in moments.

I had even tried my hand at giving guitar lessons. It had gone well with a few people, but after one girl realized who I was and almost had a hysterical fit, I thought it better to stop before others reacted the same way.

So last night as I sat on my bed digging through the internet for the latest 5 Seconds of Summer gossip I found the one thing I had hoped never to see. His name was Chris. I didn't care to learn his last name because honestly, I didn't give a shit about him. I hated him. He was living my dream with my friends.

The picture was simple enough, just a glimpse of the group as they returned to their hotel after a long night. It looked as though they were all joking and laughing like they were perfectly all right without me there.

We had been together since school and yet now when I needed them the most, they weren't around. I may have told Luke the last time I saw him that I needed new friends, but it was the opposite. I didn't want new friends. I wanted the ones that I've had since I was a kid. But they never even bother to call.

Once I had realized that I did have any talents or ambitions passed the one I had been fired from, my mind went to the simplest answer. It wasn't a hard decision to make. It was actually a lot easier than I had always imagined it would be.

I decided that in one week, I would kill myself.

. . . . .

A/N: Yay new story!!! I wasn't sure about making this a 'real world' book, but I think it works really well. Let me know what you think in the comments! These first three chapters are going to be short. They're just kind of setting everything up. Hope you guys liked it!

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