Goner | M.C.

epilogue

[Epilogue]

[Michael Clifford]

My jaw was clenched as I stared as myself through the bathroom mirror in my once again cluttered flat. My fingertips ran over the tiny set of words that were now permanently inked on my skin right above my heart. It was a routine I did every day as a reminder.

For Reed, with all my love.

I took a few deep breaths before I pulled a black My Bloody Valentine shirt on over my head. I was doing this for her and her alone. I was living for the both of us now.

It's been only two months since Reed Winters took her own life. To say I had been an absolute wreck would be the understatement of the century. I hadn't wasted any time calling Luke and the boys, telling them what had happened and how badly I needed them around.

I had given myself a week to calm my racing heart before I had called them. I knew if I had waited any longer than that I wouldn't have done it at all. And then I would have ended up right back on top of that building, thinking maybe if I jumped I'd be able to see Reed one last time.

You have friends and fans who will support you no matter what.

Reed's words were on repeat in my head everyday, reminding me why I was still here.

I made my way into my small kitchen, turning the volume up on my stereo as I walked by. Ever since that night I couldn't imagine being alone in complete silence. So now, no matter what I was doing, I always had music playing or the tv on. It just calmed my nerves. Everything had been so quiet after she fell that night and I couldn't ever be around that much silence again. It was heart wrenching.

At first I blamed myself for not being able to change her mind. That because she had chosen to jump meant that I hadn't impacted her at all. But I've thought over our conversations hundreds of times now and came to the conclusion that I had helped her, much like she had done for me.

She had been numb for so long after her ex-fiancé had broken her heart. But I made her feel something. That night I had put a genuine smile on her face and because of that I knew I had changed something inside her. Even if it had only been a tiny part, I still made her believe that happiness was still be possible, even in dire circumstances. 

My eyes darted toward the clock hanging above the sink as I poured myself another cup of coffee. 9:34am. If I didn't hurry I would end up being late for my first day back. I gulped down the last bit of coffee in my mug as I struggled to pull my jacket on over my shoulders. I grabbed my keys off the counter as I made my way to the front door, closing and locking it behind me.

I zipped my jacket up further as I stepped out into the chilly January air. My eyes squinted through the sunlight as I placed a pair of raybans over them. It was the first sunny day since Reed's funeral and I was going to try and make the best of it. As I walked down the street my mind couldn't help but wander back to that day.

The sun had been shinning, much like it was today, as people that supposedly cared about her stood around the closed casket. I remembered wanting to beat the shit out of her ex-fiancé as he stood there taking people's sympathy while his pretty young girlfriend hung off his arm. Luke had literally had to hold me back from going over there and telling him off.

I had decided not to speak that day because honestly I didn't want people to know how I felt about Reed or what we had talked about in her last few hours. I wanted it to be our little secret, something that I could hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life. I hated funerals and still do, because what's the point when the person who's supposed to be hearing you isn't there. Funerals were only put on to console the living.

I smiled politely at the girl behind the front desk of the large warehouse building I had just walked into as I stepped passed her and down the long empty hallway. I came to a stop outside the room I was supposed to be in ten minutes ago, my heart pounding with anticipation. With one final breath, I pulled open the heavy door.

"Sorry, I'm late," I spoke quietly as all eyes turned in my direction.

"It's alright mate, at least you're here." Calum smiled from his spot across the room.

I smiled back as I made my way towards him. A crew member met me half way and I graciously took the instrument from his outstretched hands. For a brief second I thought of the guy that had replaced me for the short time I was gone. I felt bad that he had been let go, but this band was my lifeline and my friends were all too happy to bring me back after I confessed to them all that I was feeling.

My heart started to race once again as everyone took their places. Luke turned to me from his spot front and center as I secured my guitar strap on my shoulder, taking a second to see if it was tuned properly.

"You ready, Mikey?"

Once again Reed's words floated through my mind reminding why I was still here and after a moment I turned toward my best friend and nodded. "I'm ready."

With that Ashton counted out and the sounds of our instruments filled the tiny practice space. A dreamy smile formed on my lips as I realized how thankful I was to be here with my band and I knew I owed everything to the girl who had taken her own life, so I could live mine.

end