All I Have

xxi

She left....

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I've lost...once again,no one won but I still considered that fight is a lost.my UFC record isn't looking good at all, I'm now 2-loose from this fight with nakamoto and the past fight I got with Leslie smith,1-win from Peggy which was 2 years ago.

When she left...I've spend most of my time looking for her around LA to San Fransisco, until drew came into my door telling me to stop. He said i have to stop looking for someone who doesn't even want to be found.

Everyone told me to stop looking and waiting for her to come back, even my family.My family didn't really butt in my life to what had happened but I know they're trying to understand and they keep their grounds Whenever I visit.Just like when I came home only to visit when my nephew Logan were born and the second time I came home was just recently to celebrate my nephews birthday.

Everything changed for the past two years,physically I've look stronger but deep down everything's still fragile as if she just left yesterday. The pain,no matter what I do it's still there.Everything where I am around Glendale or even when we go for a drive downtown,everything reminds me of her.

That made me decided to move out here in Venice.

Ronda,Shayna and even Marina came and decided to move in here,Ronda got her own place while the three of us lives once again together.

They've been trying to lift my mood up for the first few months when she left,until I convinced them that I'm already fine and I will be.i showed them that I'm fine through going out with them after the first year without Victoria..I always just tag along with them specially whenever Ronda came home from everything she's been doing.Either that or whenever they see me working out through days and nights.

But it's still there...and it's been two years already...

The first fight I've lost was the worst,I haven't felt so much defeated in my life.i couldn't separate the emotional/mental into the physical fight, all I could think about is why did she left me? Why she run away from me?

Drew and Lucas for the first year Victoria was out of the picture they come and visit me whenever I'm at the GFC but also to see Chris who's now married with drew and fully adopted Lucas as his own.but after that the family decided to moved out of downtown la, and that was the last time I talked to him.

"Come on Jess!!Ronda will be here with Mochi any minutes now!!"I heard rina called from downstairs.

And about that,I rescued a pit bull from the animal shelter that somewhat bring a little bit of happiness in my life. When she left I couldn't think enough to even wonder what have I've done and what I have said that made her leave...I wasn't my self for the whole year,I expected her to show up to one of my fights just like how she shows up or watch my fight no matter what state we both are in.

But no...she wasn't there at all to tell me that I'm still the best for her, that I'm still the winner for her. All I wanted is her,and when I lost her I didn't know who or what I'm doing this for anymore. Yes I've gain a lot of fans who supports me truly but the feeling Victoria gave me every fight is different. She gave me hope and faith in my self she always see the strong side of me and if I did or show some weakness she always helps me to get up, held my head high and train harder than I've ever before.

She's my backbone..

Then my door yanked opened revealing Shayna already dressed for the beach."Jess-oh why aren't you ready yet?they'll be here any moment now" she said as she stood by the door looking down at me.