In Death We Shall Cry For You

Leave Me If You Must

Gerard walked past everyone in the small boring high street, invisible as no one cared. No one wanted to know how he was doing. And certainly no one gave the slightest fuck if he was going to kill himself.

Oh that is what he's about to do.

Suicide.

Fifth attempt, but hey - sixth time might work. Who knows?

He stumbled as he turned the corner into the cemetery and a few people threw him disgusted looks. He already knew what they were thinking - 'fucking moron', 'go kill yourself' (and Gerard's 'favourite') 'emo faggot' - if you grew up with these threats and insults nothing can surprise you. Never.

Gerard went to the small shadowed corner where the grave was. He used to always come here, no matter what the weather was like or what mood he was in. Visiting this grave made him feel, if he could anymore, better. Or he could at least escape this.... numb feeling he has always had.

And always will have.

Unless he ends it. Now.

"Hey, Grandma," Gerard said, sitting down next to the grim slab of stone. "How are you doing?"

Gerard paused for a few seconds before continuing.

"No, Grandma, I'm eating plenty. Just because Mom and Dad think I have an eating disorder doesn't mean I do have one."

He took a sip of the bitter, plain, black coffee he had brought with him and sighed, a small lump in his throat painful.

"I miss you so much, Grandma. Nothing is the same. You said, before you left me, that everything will get better. You lied to me, Grandma."

He leant back and rested his head against the tombstone, fiddling with the end of his scarf.

"You know, Mom always seems to be angry at me these days. Do you know what I have done wrong, Grandma? I sure don't. And Dad is never there, just working as usual. What has happened to your daughter and son - in - law? What have I done to ruin them? Answer me, Grandma.... please."

He sighed again and turned his attention to the sky, its pale grey and dark grey clouds swirling perfectly mirrored his mood. Why did he feel like this? Why him?

"Grandma.... don't hate me. You're the only person I never want to cause pain to. I love you, Grandma."

Gerard sat up straighter and pushed his hair out of his face.

"Grandma.... some time soon I'm going to stop visiting you, okay? It is not because I don't love you anymore but its to do with myself."

Gerard stood up and fumbled with something in his coat's pockets as he continued talking to his beloved grandmother.

"I hate myself so much, Grandma, that it.... that it mentally hurts me. I - I -"

He broke off with heavy sobs, the lump in his throat having gotten the better of him.

"B - but I'll love you forever and ever. Even after.... after later, I'll miss you and love you like crazy."

Gerard placed a single red rose on the grave. He wanted - needed - it to symbolise his undying love for his grandmother, Elena Lee Rush.

"Bye, Grandma. See you in heaven."

Gerard then left the cemetery and drove in his car to a stop outside his own house.

Mikey was in there.

.... Mikey....

Gerard sat back, his head resting against the seat, and closed his eyes.... just thinking.