Rants of a Shawtie

I just want to let something out of my chest...

There are times when I just want to break down and cry. Or scream into a pillow like people do in the movies. There doesn't need to be a reason, I mean I have plenty of reasons to cry. For example, my Dad and my best friends that I have known for most of my life are a thousand miles away, that things that I care about passed away a year ago, that I'm sixteen, that soon I'll grow up and become an adult, that I'll go to college and have to worry about things that I don't really need to worry about now, stress, or just nothing at all. I just want to cry, but I force myself not to. Shit, I'm about to burst into tears right now but I'm trying to hold back. I just turned sixteen on Friday, and fucking shit I'm so fucking scared. I don't want to feel like this, but I have to deal with it and be human. 

I don't want to feel this way. 

But everything, every little problem is pounding against my head and I want to scream and cry and throw shit. And I just feel like hurricane, I feel like my whole entire being is just done. And my friend wrote and said how writing her feelings out on wattpad is her kind of therapy. And maybe she's right. 

I try so hard to be perfect, I try to get straight A's in school, I fucking freak out when I have a B or something. I want to feel pretty, I want to bang my head repeatedly against a wall or something so I won't feel this way. I want to have a fit or a tantrum or pretend that I'm in preschool and won't have to worry a thing. 

I want to do everything so I could let this feeling out, but I want to look strong. Like I'm okay, but I don't feel okay.