Let's face it, that cute, furry and cuddly beast known as the domestic house cat can be a domestic pain in the arse. If you "own" one, you know exactly what I mean. They don't come when called, they stand on your head at 6 in the morning when they're hungry, and they are constantly trying to escape the confines of their home, despite the ridiculously lavish lifestyle they are pampered by. The unfortunate thing is, cats follow the beat of a different drummer. Gone is the unswerving obedience so prevalent in the canine, and with it the ability to change behavior based on a discipline/reward system. If you catch your cat on the dinner table, squirting it with water will merely ensure a sneakier approach to their malfeasance in the future, if you reward them with a treat for good conduct, they will simply be twice as annoying the next time you open whatever cupboard the treat is strored in.
So what is a human to do, faced by such an indomitable adversary, one that feigns complete apathy in face of your sheer annoyance? It's simple: Fight fire with fire. Adopt the maturity level of a five-year old, and heap infantile levels of obnoxious behavior on your cat. It's quite simple really, for all their elegant, graceful and cool posturing, the DHC (domestic house cat) is actually quite fragile in regards to tolerating anything he or she does not like. While the long-term benefits of annoying your kitty cat are nearly obsolete, they are guaranteed to either a) inspire the DHC to ignore you for the next twenty minutes, b) be really nice (a strange response to being annoyed, but it happens, or c) make you feel good about finally leveling the playing field, no longer being bound by silly concepts such as human dignity and personal maturity.
There are numerous, almost limitless ways to bother a house cat, and it's up to you to find those particular things that really grate your own furball, but the five listed here have, after extensive research, been found to be extremely effective in getting under a cat's skin. Feel free to experiment with variations so as to optimize the levels of aggravation you can achieve for your little pal, and most importantly, have fun. If you think for an instant that that little bologna loaf isn't loving every minute of attacking your big toe while you sleep, think again.
