What A Beautiful Thing Hope Is

Chapter 13 - Rachel's P.O.V.

When last week, Octavian told me that it wasn't the first time he ever had a panic attack, my mind began to wonder what or who could had caused them., trying to find out a reason and fix it.

Now, I wish I hadn't been so insistent.

When the psychiatrist had asked him about the panic attack at the hospital, he told me the same things that he told me: that the mere thought of having a life without me, me dying or him, was his bigger fear. I remember holding his hand, squeezing it while he was telling that, to reminded him that I was alive and fine and, that just like he liked to see it in me, I wanted to see him smile.

When she asked him about previous panic attacks, I never felt more angry in my entire life. How could those bastards have no remorse of what they did to him?! That drove him away!! That made him insane!! That killed him... A silent tear rode down my cheek, but I wiped it before Octavian could see it. I didn't care if the psychiatrist saw me crying, I didn't want Octavian to see it.

"Thanks, Octavian..." the psychiatrist said, pulling me out of my trance. I saw Octavian nodding and sighing. He looked like he was shaking in fear and he got paler in a few minutes. Lucky we were in a double couch, so I could hug him "Ms. Dare-"

"Please, it's Rachel" I blurted out, without thinking. It was almost instinctively. I just reacted. I wasn't nervous of this woman, but to be honest, the final time I went to therapy was when I was 8 and my hamster died. I was to young and my parents thought it could be a great idea to talk to someone else rather than them. Typical...

"Rachel" the psychiatrist corrected herself, her lips in a thin line "Where were you when Octavian was having the panic attack?" I sighed, knowing it was my turn to answer uncomfortable questions.

"I was next to him, sleeping"

"So, you're saying that you were sleeping next to him instead of helping him?" I raised an eyebrow at her, not liking where this was headed.

"I'd like for you to make your questions direct, Dr" I spitted out the degree, as if it was poison "And, like I said before, I was asleeping, in his arms"

"Has Octavian ever told you about his panics attacks?" I shook my head. Does she want honesty? I'll give her raw honesty... "How do you feel about that?"

"Though I was surprised and scared while it happened-" With a glance, I saw Octavian hang his head "-I don't blame him for hiding it to me" I turned to see him, smiling, while he was the one shocked "Babe, after the life that you had... I'm not surprised you didn't want to tell me the whole thing... You just were trying not to worry anymore..."

"So, are you OK with Octavian keeping things from you?" the psychiatrist cut in, clearly not liking to be ignored.

"If those things keep me safe and don't have to do anything with his wellbeing, then I'd allow it" I kept my eyes on Octavian while talking. The psychiatrist might be the one talking to me, but I was talking to Octavian.

"Let's talk about your reaction when you got the news from the accident" I paled and tense.

"I rather not" I replied. I wasn't gonna give her the pleasure to break me. Not in front of Octavian.

"Evasive responds won't fix the problem-"

"The problem can't be fixed" I faced her back, not liking her attitude towards me one bit "The car accident happened. The other driver was drunk. Octavian was on a coma. Past tense. We can't fix those..."

"Just like you can't fix your relationship with your parents?" I literally froze in my spot. What does that have to do with anything?! "By the way you're behaving, I'd say that you'd always being independent and that you and your parents have a estranged relationship. How do you expect to be there for your boyfriend when you can't even fix your relationship with your parents?"

"I thought this sessions were about Octavian and his panic attacks" I gritted my teeth at her.

"Is this how would you react when Octavian has another panic attack? Would you be evasive and estranged and ignoring him when he needs you the most?"

"Of course not!! I love him!! I'd do anything for him" I was fuming inside, but I had to keep my calm demeanor. She wanted me to explote, but I couldn't "I love you, Ian..." I whispered to him, resting my face on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me, drawing circles with his hands over my back "I lost my beauty for you, I'd lose my life and wait for you in Elysium for ever..." I continued in low voice. The psychiatrist was mortal, we couldn't risk it.

"That's what I don't want you too..." he recognized, pulling me back "I don't want you to even consider that option, you hear me?" I nodded at him, giving him a smile. A small smile, but a smile anyway.

"I promise it would be the last thing I do..." I promised him. He didn't look convinced but didn't pressured me.

"Great. Now, can we continue with the session?" the psychiatrist called our attention, clearing her throat. We didn't leave our embrace, but turned to see her "For what I can see so far, you both have family issues. In my experience, these kind of people will never have a good relationship with anyone because of their fear to commitment and family bondings-" I tuned her out after that.

She was so wrong about that of us. We weren't scared of commitments. We decided to be together. We decided to be a family. I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Octavian, even when I know we can't have kids.

I shared a look with Octavian and we reached a mutual agreement: we were gonna be better than our parents.

Which meant... I have to make a phone call.