Liriko 2 The Battles Entry
Theme: Vulnerability
Song: Sober by Kelly Clarkson
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Crimson drops marred the crystalline water that reflected my unblinking face as I looked down at it. The scarlet swirls looked like thin veins slowly corrupting the untainted clear liquid as it flowed from the faucet. My gaze followed them as they slithered from the surface downwards, mixing with the water and making a bloody mixture before going down the drain.
I heaved a deep breath. Slowly, I repeated the action, until a series of painful inhalation made my eyes water. I gripped the end of the sink and continued to painfully gulp air, trying my best to ease out the tightening of my chest. I looked at the mirror in front of me and stared at the ashen faced girl that stared back at me. Her face was a ghost of her former self and her brown eyes held the years of pent-up pain and self-loathing.
I hate myself.
I watched as tears slowly slid down the pale cheeks of the girl in the mirror. Unconsciously, I fisted my hands at the edge of the sink as I continued to gaze at her lifeless eyes - my lifeless eyes. The eyes that have once been my most favourite part of me, was now the part that I am most disgusted with. It was dead.
Trying to compose myself, I once again picked the razor that was sitting atop the sink. I savoured the coldness of the metal sipping through my skin unto the depths of my being. It spread throughout my very soul that made me numb. I held it tightly against my left arm, three inches away from a very raw and still bleeding cut.
"You are the reason why my husband left me. Your existence is a mistake! You and your mother destroyed my family!"
I felt the blade sliced through my skin, buried deep enough to draw out blood, but not enough to penetrate those vital veins. Instantly, I felt relaxed as I again watched my blood mixed with the tap water. No pain, no sting, just a lessening of the knot on my chest. I felt relief.
I took a shuddering breath, closing my eyes in the process and feeling my heart return to its normal rhythm. Sighing, I opened my eyes and closed the faucet. Briefly, I looked at the raw cuts before covering it with the long sleeves of my shirt and then, I tried to fix my ashen face and planted a big, fake smile on my lips. I needed this to show the world that I am not weak.
"Are you done?"
My gaze whipped to the side and I found him there with his arms crossed in front of his chest, leaning against the door. He was like a sculpted model out of the magazine with his handsome face and lean body. He was wearing his white outfit that stood out against my dark blue walls and his steel gray eyes probed me with a great deal of intensity.
"Are you done cutting yourself?" There was neither disgust nor pity in his voice as he asked me those things. In fact, he just sounded so bored.
"Yes." I nodded curtly at him and moved past him from my bathroom towards my bedroom. I sensed him following me and I turned to him with an arched brow. I knew that when he wanted to ask me something, he would follow me around like a shadow, because normally, he would just sit at the corner of my room and ignore me.
"Does hurting yourself really lessen the pain? Or whatever it is that you are experiencing?" he asked me with his eyes alight with curiosity.
My brows furrowed at his question. This was a surprise. It was the first time that he asked me about my weird way of coping.
"Yes, it lessens the pain and the tightening in my chest," I drawled out as I looked at him incredulously. I was really having a hard time believing that he was suddenly interested with my life.
"Does it make you happy? Doing that?" His gray eyes darkened and I was stunned with his question. For a moment, I couldn't find my voice.
"No," I whispered the word like a secret that should not be told. "But it was my only way to keep myself alive."
