Forbidden

Confusion

I spent another night holding myself, being careful not to cry. I spent another night wondering what I did wrong. I spent another night hoping that Edward would change. I hoped he'd change for me.

"What made things this way?" I remembered a better Edward.

I laid on my bed, not moving, staring at my stuffed animals. Dazing off into space. I couldn't move, think, or even feel. I pulled my sweater around tighter, I felt rather exposed, though I was sure I was completely covered.I was surely numb to everything. My eyes fixed on a picture of Edward and I. We were at a restaurant, at the time he had his professional camera, and snapped a picture of us. We looked so happy, or I thought I was. I looked at the picture confused, if he wanted something from me, why not just tell me?

Why lie?

Plus why me? I shook my head, and turned to the other side of the bed.

I swung the door open but then was stopped in my tracks. It felt as though I had been paralyzed by some unseen, mind numbing force.

How...
Why... 
For how long....

Thoughts flew discordantly through my mind, as I tried, and at first failed to comprehend the scene before me.

My mind fogged up and my eyes feel heavy with tears. I feel my lip quivering, I try to hold it back, I try to swallow my tears and not show my weakness, but my will is too weak. My eyes itch and burn from holding back my tears and my throat is tight; I can feel a cry starting to form. I wish that I could push my emotions down so deep that I could forget them, but I can't. So I start to cry.

I felt cold chills ... felt hot ... the room spun I knees weak.

Clenched my fists so much, they ached. How could this happen I want to kill or hit him. All at once I was freed from my confusion, now possessed by a passionate hatred, a fury at the beast.

"I'll kill him. I'll kill him!" I thought

"Why couldn't you have been good enough for him?" Nausea pains my stomach, my heart hurts. I feel like I can't breathe.

I haven't answered his calls back in almost two days. I have a feeling he's going to come to my house. And I'm not even going to college, I've been avoiding everything and everyone. I feel like as if a piece of me has been taken out, broke, got destroyed. I've been dizzy and nauseous for the past few days.

I sobbed I felt the warm hotness of grief spill from my eyes and slide down my trembling cheeks. Through the blur, I could see the tall pines and smell their heady aroma. The bracken crunched under me as I lowered myself unceremoniously to the ground, curling into a tight ball of pain. My eyes squeezed shut, and a strong wave of pain hit, working its way up from my gut to spread to the ends of my fingertips and down my withered legs. I knew it would not be long. I waited, ready to welcome the oncoming darkness.

Resting on the cot that serves as my nesting place, enjoying the comfort of the soft cool throw and the downy pillow. The comforter on the bed was so fluffy and soft, the pillows on the bed were overwhelming, the softness against my skin was unbelievable, I could just sleep on this bed this is like a cloud. Too bad I haven't gotten sleep in the past 72 hours. The dim illumination from the sun through the window was just enough to spark my imagination and get my brain racing with thoughts of..What were you thinking about? Better yet what wasn't I thinking about?

He lied to me. I kept thinking over and over again. I need to get ready to go to class. I have to go. I haven't been returning his calls at all, how am I gonna go? Oh I have to go to class, I need to see him. And finally confront him about what he has done. Or planning to do. That motherfuckin bastard.