I laid down on the hotel bed. I really don't want to get ready for this bridal shower. I don't even want to go. Since the day I told him how I felt, he's been acting strange and now I know why.
It's just so messed up. Only me. This shit would only happen to me. It's so weird how he didn't tell me from the beginning he wasn't an American. He's on a Student Visa. And that he's looking around for jobs to give him an extension to the Visa. Like a voucher, to stay in the country. Telling me that he has to go the army or to Dubai. Or even finding a job as a high school teacher.
He claimed that he wanted to tell me this so he doesn't think that he's hiding anything from me. Though I wish he was hiding it from me. I didn't want to know. I just wanted him. Him telling me that he wished he would have met me 2 years ago before he applied to all these jobs doesn't solve anything. I just need to stop thinking. The amount of dark circles I have under my eyes are ridiculously scary. I'm not sleeping. Nothing makes sense in my head. They kept playing stupid romantic songs last night. I couldn't get this song out of my head;
My head's underwater
But I'm breathing fine
You're crazy and I'm out of my mind
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I'll give my all to you
You're my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I'm winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
That stupid song wouldn't get out of my head, like please get out. I grew to hate this song. It felt as if the world were crashing down, piece by piece around me, and all I could do was watch. How could he do this I feel like running yelling while the branches of the trees scratch upon my face I feel broken and insane and suddenly it stops.
I go to check Facebook to see what everyone is up to. Trying to distract myself. Only to read this;
Sadness and loneliness is...
An isolated, brick heart.
The inability to breathe colors.
The sound of incessant silence.
A wall of fixed discussion.
The thin line of disconnect.
A monochromatic pattern
"Love heals. Heals and liberates. I use the word love, not meaning sentimentality, but a condition so strong that it may be that which holds the stars in their heavenly positions and that which causes the blood to flow orderly in our veins."
Well then that didn't help me one bit. Alrighty then, I'm gonna need like six cups of coffee and a long bath to get through this bridal shower. Here I go. Seriously need coffee. It's so screwed up how much he wants me, and I want him but he doesn't want to hurt me by getting me attached. Now that's a man. But in still pissed off. He could have made this work. Like he got me attached to him for him now to pull away.
Not fair.
My life isn't fair!
I feel no wisp of relief, as my mind drifts further into the abyss of sorrow. Hopelessly I ponder these afflictions, only reaffirming the hell I now wander. Any hope for relief is thwarted by the agony and sadness that haunts me. It felt as if something had reached in, tore my heart from my chest, threw it on the ground stepped on it then put it back. The pain was so deep, so agonizing, so intense, my heart was mangled beyond recognition, my mind numb, racing in circles, unable to make sense of what was happening...was this real...it couldn't be real, wake up, wake up... I was not sure I could use my heart again. I was not sure it could heal.
"Bella are you up yet? Your cousins are getting breakfast. Go eat with them." She said walking into my room, she saw me looking miserable. Lack of sleep and surviving on coffee.
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Fanfiction"Over six years had passed since Jacob had left me, during which I had struggled through every single day unable, despite my hardest endeavors, to forget him." Bella Swan was a sophomore at Ridgewood university in New York . She's studying to be a...
