Forbidden

What Do I Feel?

POV Renee

I sat on the rocking chair in Bells' room. I couldn't get my eyes off of her. Her frail body tossed around in her sleep. Even in her dream, she was tormented. She couldn't find any peace of mind anywhere. All I wanted was to take that pain away from her.

She muttered the same words I heard nights after nights.

"Please, don't... don't leave."

My heart tightened and my lips pressed angrily against one another. I felt hatred, pure hatred, for a stupid motherfuckin professor. I knew it was pitiable but I couldn't help wanting to crush and destroy who did this to my little girl. She was my baby. She was my life. And now she was fading away, drowning like a sick fish. And I felt so powerless. I suddenly felt like an incompetent, helpless old women. I wasn't used to not knowing how to solve a situations. And yet, I allowed for my own daughter to get hurt so deeply. I felt guilty. I had her under my charge for barely a year, and already I failed. Maybe she should have went with her father. It's so heartbreaking for me to see her in this state of mind. Why doesn't someone just rip my heart out?

I failed so drastically. I was a bad mother. I should've known I couldn't take care of my girl. How could a middle-aged loner handle a young city girl? Yes, I felt guilty more than anything. This was my fault. Her suffering. Her lost of appetite. Her nightmares. Her lifeless shell. It was all because I failed to protect her.

Bella turned around in her bed and her long silky hair slid away from her face. I stared at her sunken cheeks, at those dark circles around her eyes, at those chopped lips, at her colorless skin. My eyes watered and I forced down the tears. Her motionless body, carved with sadness and despair, hurt my insides more than anything else ever did.I always thought that nothing could ever hurt as much as that. But I was wrong.

This was worst. Seeing my daughter, my baby, dying in front of my own eyes was the single most painful thing I'd had to do.

The tears I fought back suddenly escaped and dripped down my face. I brought a shaky hand up to dry out my tears. Crying wouldn't help. I already felt too weak. I couldn't pathetically sit here and wallow in guilt and sorrow. I needed to do something. And so, I took a deep breath and pulled myself up to standing. I slowly walked by her side. I froze momentarily. This body in front of me only shadowed the outline of who my daughter once was. And suddenly I was overwhelmed with a sense of grief, as if she was dead, as if I'd lost her forever. I felt billions of hooks tearing my heart apart. My breathing paused briefly. I squeezed my eyes shut and listened carefully to her breathing: the proof that she was still here with me. As long as she was breathing, I could still save her.

I opened my eyes and gazed down at her one more time. I lightly caressed her creased forehead and her crumpled brows. Her body was all tensed up. I pressed my palm against her cheek, still focusing on the sound of her breath, and lowered down to kiss her gently on her forehead.

" I love you, Bells. I will find a way to make you feel better. I promise." I whispered.

I walked out of the room, feeling as heavy as a whale shark. I let my mind strategize and brainstorm ideas and solutions while walking downstairs. I was making a mental list of everything I should start doing.

I needed to call her father.

I needed to ask the doc to come over again.

I needed to let people know I was scared for my baby.

I needed to learn how to ask for help.

I needed to make breakfast for Bella.

I needed to encourage her to eat.