Josh, you're out of the band

Without Josh

After writing at the coffee shop that day, I expected to run into Josh again on the way to the bus stop. But I didn't and so I had to ride home alone.

This was the first time in a few weeks. The silence was killing me, even though everything on the bus was loud. I felt so alone.

This is what happens sometimes.

I get by myself and all the voices come back. I can't think about anything other than what is in my mind. I am extremely awful.

All of the dark parts of my thoughts come out.

I realize that I am nothing and I mean nothing to this world and I am never going to amount to anything. Nobody who says they care about me actually do because I know that I am utterly worthless. I need to not be here anymore because I don't deserve to be here anymore.

Just when I think all the bad thoughts are out, it starts to loop around again.

I know that I am just being selfish and only thinking of myself and maybe these thoughts aren't even real and that I'm just making myself feel bad because these thoughts are addicting. I realize that I'm being really stupid and I just don't want anyone to see that I'm this awful person that thinks these awful thoughts.

I just absolutely hate myself.

There's no other explanation and I can't write down all this at the same time because the voices in my head are deafening. They are controlling my body and my mind. I just have to act the same as normal so that nobody will notice. Especially anybody important.

I tell these thoughts to go away and to leave me alone but they don't.

Why can't I make it stop?

I try so hard. I try so so so hard but it just doesn't.

Why can't I just be normal?

Some days are extremely good, however. But then it all goes downhill and I start thinking again.

Why can't I stop thinking so much? things are going too fast now.

I just wish I was dead most days.