Josh, you're out of the band

Sometimes Quiet is Violent

I am without Josh again tonight.

He said he is going out with some friends.

I decided that maybe I should do something too.  I've become too attached to Josh and this image that we are creating.  I can't be around other people without only talking about him or our band and I can tell it is starting to get annoying.  But I can't help it.  It is the only thing that makes me happy anymore.  I try to do other normal people things and make other friends besides Josh but it just isn't interesting enough to me.

I don't understand why I am like this.

I've been lying on the floor listening to music for a few hours since Josh had to leave.  I roll over and pick up my phone hoping that there is a message from him. But sadly there is not. 

Instead I just scroll through my contacts, wishing to see that maybe there is at least one person that I might want to hang out with. But nope. 

All I can think about is Josh and what he might be doing and if he is having fun without me.  I know he will but sometimes I hope that he feels the same about me.  I'm just a jealous person.  A slut for attention.  

My phone buzzes slightly and I jump a little and see that it's a message from Josh.  It sounds like he's having fun and it probably a little drunk.  Maybe very drunk.

Why is he such an idiot?

Why do I care about what he does so much?

Why am I such a fucking idiot?

It all starts again after these thoughts. 

The downward spiral into that deep dark pit of my mind.

and all of a sudden i am out of control

this isn't me anymore

At some point I must have blacked out or done something to make myself black out.

But when I come to, I realize that I am sitting with my head on my desk and I have written something in my journal of lyrics.

The sound of the leaky sink in the small corner cabinet starts again and I can feel it.

It's purpose. It's hope.

I realize what the kitchen sink may be.

Nobody can possibly be dealing with these demons that I am.

Meaning may be defeating them

could be the beginning of your meaning, friend

I have to talk to Josh right now

But he is out with friends

It's 4, and I crack the door but the hallway to my dreams keeps closing in on me

It's forcing me out, making me think about you and how you're gone

I choke back the tears that are coming now and call up Josh

It goes to voicemail

I can't help it, and I sob but it happens all the time so I don't even give it another thought

If Josh is a real friend, maybe he will notice I'm not ok and will come and help

I leave a message after the beep.

I just let it all out after that

he probably can't even understand my words because I certainly can't

I finally get it a little bit back together after I've gotten most of it out.

I end the message with these words because I can't stand the days and the nights anymore of the loneliness creeping in.

"And I know it might be a little selfish for me to say, but I need to know if you've thought about me at all today. Cause every day I walk past the place you've lived 5 days of the week, and now it's 10 after 4 and I am taken by sleep."