Allegiant's "Actual" Ending

Chapter 55: Tobias

Even though it's likely she will wake up, they don't know when, so in the days that follow, it's movement, not stillness, that keeps the grief at bay, so I walk the compound halls instead of sleeping. In the daytime, I sit by her for every minute the visiting hours permit. I watch everyone else recover from the memory serum that altered them permanently as if from a great distance.

Those lost in the memory serum haze are gathered into groups and given the truth: that human nature is complex, that all our genes are different, but neither damaged nor pure. They are also given the lie: that their memories were erased because of a freak accident, and that they were on the verge of lobbying the government for equality for GDs.

I keep finding myself stifled by the company of others and then crippled by loneliness when I leave them. I am terrified. Terrified that she could slip away again, and this time for good. My hand shakes as I stop by the control room to watch the city on the screens. Johanna is arranging transportation for those who want to leave the city. They will come here to learn the truth. I don't know what will happen to those who remain in Chicago, and I'm not sure I care.

I shove my hands into my pockets and watch for a few minutes, then walk away again, trying to match my footsteps to my heartbeat, or to avoid the cracks between the tiles. When I walk past the entrance, I see a small group of people gathered by the stone sculpture, one of them in a wheelchair-Nita.

I walk past the useless security barrier and stand at a distance, watching them. Reggie steps on the stone slab and opens a valve in the bottom of the water tank. The drops turn into a stream of water, and soon water gushes out of the tank, splattering all over the slab, soaking the bottom of Reggie's pants.

"Tobias?"

I shudder a little. It's Caleb. I turn away from the voice, searching for an escape route.

"Wait. Please," he says.

I don't want to look at him, to measure how much, or how little, he worries for her. And I don't want to think about how much she sacrificed for such a miserable coward, about how he wasn't worth what's happening to her.

Still, I do look at him. His hair is unwashed and unkempt, his green eyes bloodshot, his mouth twitching into a frown.

"I don't mean to bother you," he says. "But I have something to tell you. Something....she told me to tell you, before..."

"Just get on with it," I say before he tries to finish the sentence.

"She told me that if she didn't survive, I should tell you...." Caleb chokes, then pulls himself up straight, fighting off tears. "That she didn't want to leave you."

I should feel something, hearing that message from her when it might be her last, shouldn't I? I feel nothing. I feel farther away than ever.

"Yeah?" I say harshly. "Then why did she? Why didn't she let you go? Now she's in a coma and there's not a guarantee that she will wake up."

"You think I'm not asking myself that question?" Caleb says. "She loved me enough to hold me at gunpoint so she could sacrifice herself for me. I have no idea why, but that's the way it is."

He walks away without letting me respond, and it's probably better that way, because I can't think of anything to say that is equal to my anger. I blink away tears and sit down on the ground, right in the middle of the lobby.

I know why she wanted to tell me that she didn't want to leave me. She wanted me to know that this was not another Erudite headquarters, not a lie told to make me sleep while she went to die, not an act of unnecessary self-sacrifice. I grind the heels of my hands into my eyes like I can push my tears back into my skull. No crying, I chastise myself. If I let a little of the emotion out, all of it will come out, and it will never end.