Breakup Helpline [#2 of the Helpline Trilogy]

12: 08 p.m

❝Hello, this is the Breakup Helpline, designed and manufactured to cater to your brokenhearted needs. How may I help you?❞

❝My girlfriend...just cheated on me. With my best friend.❞

❝Um..uh, hold on...oh, fuck! There's nothing on how to respond to that in these answer sheets!❞

"Really? You need answer sheets?"

"Well, I'm sorry, asshat. I'm not some kind of paid expert who's qualified enough to deal with everybody's breakup problems!"

"But that's the reason why one of my friends Damien asked me to call you for help-"

"Yeah, but are you paying me here? No. So don't pretend like I'm obligated to be here for your moo-lah, when you're not giving me any moo-lah."

"Um..."

"Anyway, let's get this shit over it. So your tool of a best friend, or should I say tool of an ex-best friend, and your girlfriend has been bumping uglies, how did you find out?"

"I caught them in the act."

"Ouch. Not a pretty sight?"

"You could say that."

"Okay, so because this is my job you'll have to tell me what happened. And me, as your guru who has never been in a relationship, will attempt-"

"Wait. You've never been in a relationship?"

"Yeppers."

"And you're giving out relationship advice."

"No, I'm giving out how to end a relationship advice. Know the difference, moron."

"Wow, you're a bitch."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Look, I don't know who you are- but shouldn't you have at least experienced a break up before you give out advice on how to deal with them?"

"Listen, Smart-Ass, I don't tell you how you should do your job and you don't tell me how to do mine. Let me give you a piece of advice: the secret to a successful relationship? Don't be in one. That's the only reason why I haven't hitched on the bandwagon of cliches of having a fucking boyfriend."

"That's- that's stupid. I mean, granted, I've been cheated- but surely, you want to be in a relationship at some point- y'know? Come on! Don't you want to fall in love and stuff?"

"Don't tell me you believe in that stuff."

"What, love?"

"Yeah, what else?"

"You don't believe in love?"

"It doesn't exist."

"It does."

"Whatever suits your fancy, you hopeless loser."

"Don't call me a loser. You can't call random strangers a loser."

"Hah, watch me."

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