Breakup Helpline [#2 of the Helpline Trilogy]

1: 29 p.m

"Wait, I'm not done! Don't you dare hang up. So after the beautiful sexual Phase 3, comes Phase 4. The part where you realize, hey you're okay now! You're having sex with other people and you're going about your life as normally as you do. You might get a girlfriend, meet somebody else. And one day, you run straight into said cheater at the grocery store. But you realize you're not pissed anymore- because, guess what, you've moved on and really, the best medicine for a broken heart is time. And good ice cream."

"Wow, that's some pretty sound advice from somebody who never had a breakup before."

"Yep, Dr Phill ain't got nothing on me. I should be paid, dammit."

"Maybe you can run your own talk show or whatever."

"I know! And I'd be funny as fuck! Like fucking Ellen and Dr Phill combined!"

"Well, you can't say 'fuck' if you're on TV. Family-friendly, remember?"

"Fuck that shit, it's my TV show. I say whatever the fuck I want. Oooh, or I could be a Youtuber! Like Jenna Marbles or whatever. God, I love Jenna Marbles. I'd personally turn lesbian for her."

"What happens to your no-relationships rule?"

"Hey, if you could date Jenna Marbles, I swear, nothing will stand in the way!"

"Haha, alright."

"And you say my laugh sounds weird. You snort! Like a pig! It's disconcerting."

"Don't insult my laugh- I'm a customer."

"Yeah, a customer that doesn't pay...since I'm a volunteer!"

"Why did you volunteer if you hate this job so much?"

"My fucking mom."

"What?"

"She thinks I need to be more 'positive' and 'help' people and she thinks volunteering at a 'helpline' would be good for me this summer. Like, bitch, I'm positive and sunny. I mean, I stick dead crossed-eyed smiley faces on my 5 Seconds Of Summer albums, how much more positive could I get?"

"Yeah, I know. She should've stuck you in a mental institution or something."

"Don't make fun of me, Franklin. I make fun of you. That's how it's supposed to work. You're screwing up the damn system!"

"Whatever. So you seemed like a tough girl. Why did you say yes?"

"'Cause she's my mom, y'know? And she does that poor-little-mom-my-daughter-won't-listen-to-me thing to make me feel guilty."

"Huh, so you do have a heart."

"Please, I sold my heart at an organ bank two years ago for a coke float."

"I don't believe that- I think that deep down you're just this scared little girl who is just afraid of getting hurt."

"Wow, I thought this was a psych evaluation for you, Franklin. Turns out it was all for me."

"Stop trying to make a joke out of it- I think you know I'm right, Serena."

"You don't know anything, you don't know me. Frankly, Franklin- hehe, try saying that a few times. Frankly, Franklin. Frankly, Franklin. Frankly, Franklin. Frankly, Franklin. Frankly, Franklin-"

"I'm being serious here. Maybe it's you that needs to be cured."

"Shut up, Franklin, you're wrong. I'm positive that I'm just a soulless bitch. Positive like my bright fucking positive personality."

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