To The End

18 Create and Destroy as You See Fit

"Dakota, please... I can help you, please just put it down... put it down" he is crying now, I really want to stop, but I can't. I can't control anything. It's all my fault though, it's all me.. "Gerard... you can't help me. No one can" those are definitely my words, I hadn't meant to say them, but they were lingering at the back of my head. Oh god... this is all controlled by me.. it's going exactly how I want it to. God, why am I such an idiot? I this isn't what I want! I don't want to hurt anyone! But, oh god. It feels so good... NO! That isn't me, it's not Dakota, I swear.

        "Dakota, just stop. You see what you are doing to yourself?"  he turns to me, ignoring the gun pressed to his head. "You are tearing yourself apart from the inside out. You're hurting yourself Dakota, you're doing this all to hurt yourself. You know this, too" he sighs "You know you're only doing this to get back at yourself for what you did, but we all forgive you. We want you to forgive yourself. Now, put the gun down... and please... stop crying" I'm not crying, I wipe my cheek with my free hand. Oh... I am. But it doesn't matter. He's right, I just need to put it...

        BANG. I drop the gun. "No..." I fall down by Gerard, and I hold him, I hold him and hug him. I don't know how long we.. I sat there, holding him. But I know this... I have to leave them. Leave them all, I have to keep them safe, keep them safe from the most dangerous person in the world, the only person who can kill so easily, and not even mean to. "I'm sorry..." I say, sobbing so hard that it barely escaped my lips.

8 Days

        "Mikey...? Dakota..?" it's Ray. I'm sitting alone on the porch thing. "Back here, Ray" I call out. Okay... I'm a bit lazy, I don't want to get up though! He pokes his head around the corner, his fro bouncing a bit. "Hi, Ray" he smiles "Hi, Dakota. Is Mikey here?" I nod, "You may not want to see him at the moment, though. He's in the shower." Ray laughs, "Yeah... no, I'm good. I just had to give him this" he holds up a blank CD. "I think I can handle it" we both laugh, "Or you can hang around, if you want" he just stands there, looking like he doesn't know what to do. I just laugh, then look out at the view. My view is an old abandoned building covered in snow. Wait, it's still snowing?! I didn't even notice. Ray looks at me like I'm crazy "Why are you out here with no jacket, its freezing" I shrug, "It's not that cold to me" he shivers and pulls his jacket tighter. Oh my goodness, there are snowflakes caught in his hair, I find that extremely adorable. I stand up and smile, "let's go inside then" he walks inside, gladly. I follow him and close the door behind me.

        We both collapse on the couch once we get inside. I turn the tv on. It's a Doctor Who re-run. "Oh yeah! Did you hear that they are gonna start making Doctor Who's again?" "no fucking way." he laughs, "It's true" I squeal and hug him, then Mikey walks in, he's just wearing a towel, and his hair is still dripping. "Um. Hello Ray.... I... I um... I'll be right back" he rushes off towards our bedroom. Ray and I are now just sitting there awkwardly, I'm still hugging him. He laughs, I grin and let go of the hug. "I probably should have warned you that that was gonna happen" he laughs and nods.

        "Anyway... when does the new Doctor Who start?" he's quiet for a moment, "Umm.... I think it starts in March" I sigh "That's no good."

        Mom walks in “Hello?! Kota, I’ve brought cupcakes” she really needs to stop trying so hard. “What flavor?” Ray calls back, she sticks her head around the corner, “Oh, hello Raymond. They’re red velvet, Kota’s favorite”.

No she didn’t! Oh lord, I love red velvet. “With cream cheese?” she smiles and nods. 

“Where’s Mikey?” she sits down on the other side of Ray, as far away from me as she can get. Of course. “Oh, he’s nud- I mean he’s getting dressed” she nods. “You sound a bit disappointed...?” I shrug, “I mean...” I lick the cupcake. “Who wouldn’t be?” Ray chokes, and mom looks like she’s about to have a stroke. I grin, satisfied, “Oh, sorry” 

Mikey walks in, now he is wearing jeans... that’s good. He’s got no shirt on, and his hair is still wet. Ray laughs, “We were just talking about you” he stands up and holds the cd out for Mikey to take, so he does. “Thanks, man...” Ray nods, “I’ll see you guys later. I’ve gotta go” 

Mikey takes Ray’s place on the couch. “Talking about me?” I smile, he laughs, and he laughs hard. “What?!” he points to my cheek, “You’ve got a little...” I put my hand to my cheek to wipe it off. “Holy pickles, I might as well  have smashed the cupcake on my face” he laughs. 

“So, Dakota” god, I had hoped that she had left. “Yes, Mum?” she takes a moment of silence, “I’d like it if you would go have lunch with me tomorrow, maybe we could even do a bit of shopping” Mikey turns his back to her and he grins at me. God, I hate when he does that! But... it is really cute, I have to admit. 

"Oh yeah... That would be great" oh lord, why does she want to fix our relationship?!