Forbidden Literature

15| Defending Allison

I couldn't believe it.

This was not happening. This absolutely could not be happening right now. This was like something straight out of a nightmare only I couldn't wake up from it at all.

"Allison? Allison," came a familiar voice trying to shake me back to reality but I wasn't responding.

My voice was completely gone along with all emotion. I felt so completely empty, as if someone had come and carved out my insides. Everything else around me was muffled as if I was underwater. Is this what shock feels like?

All that kept repeating in my mind was the question of how. How could I have lost? Over Aaron? I have seen his work before; it was nothing special. Maybe he was good at documentary but poetry? And I'm trying to stay humble here but dammit my work is ten times better than his! Or at least enough to beat him in a competition. Especially this competition. Regardless when putting all the pieces together it all lead up to one factor: this is not possible. I had lost. I didn't win the competition.

My nausea from earlier came back only it was for a different reason.

"Allison!" said the voice again with more emphasis.

I slowly turned my head towards the sound. It was Sara looking at me with concern. I almost didn't feel her hands on my shoulder. "Are you okay?" she asked although she clearly didn't have to.

I tried to gather my thoughts before it all boiled down to one thing.

"I . . . lost."

Tears started forming in the corner of my eyes. I didn't realize how badly I wanted to win until I had lost. The opportunity to become something is over and gone. Lost to the creepy guy who definitely didn't deserve it. A part of me told myself that I should be happy for him but an even bigger part said fuck him.

Suddenly small warm arms surrounded me. "It's going to be okay. There are other publishers out there that are even better than Harrington and they would love to have you! I promise this isn't the end," she held me even tighter. "You are going to be something, I just know it. Maybe Harrington just wasn't the right fit for you. Actually, I know they are not if they can't see how amazing you are."

Her words were nice but they didn't really hit home like they should. Instead I sent her a small smile and took in a deep breath trying to get myself at least slightly together. I didn't want to break down right here in front of everyone. Especially Jasper.

I looked towards him beneath Sara's hold only to find an empty seat. Confused I pulled back slightly to ask, "Where did Jasper go?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Who?"

"I mean, um, Dr. Andrews," I corrected quickly.

If she thought that something was off about what I said she didn't show it. "I'm not sure. He got up as soon as they announced Aaron's name and left. He looked super pissed."

Well then that makes two of us. "You have no idea where though?"

"I don't," She shook her head. "Why?"

"No reason," I sighed. I tried not to but my eyes drifted up to the stage where Aaron was accepting his award. He looked excited although a bit surprised. Seeing him up there like that made me feel even sicker. I stood up from my seat abruptly. "I'm going to go get some air," I stomped off.

I know that I was acting like a brat, and I know that I shouldn't be so negative, but dammit this is not how I wanted my night to go. I didn't want the entire week to lead up to failure. Now when Ben calls I'm going to have to explain to him that I lost, I let them all down. The one time I can be equal with the favorite child I lost the opportunity.