Forbidden Literature

13| Black Lace

Later on after I wrapped up my workshops I stopped by Jerry's to get started on the poem I wanted to enter in the competition. After everything I've learned since being here, I felt like I really had a shot at this. I smiled thinking back to the last time I was here working on my poetry with Jasper. We have come such a long way since then, especially after last night.

He gave me a small inside look at his life when talking about his father being a pediatrician, but like with everything else about him I wanted more. The constant internal battle I had with myself over the past few days slowly died down. I had a sit down moment with myself to really think about the situation in grand detail so I wouldn't wake up with a headache so much anymore. I decided this:

First, I can't erase what happened in the elevator. What happened there wasn't a dream, and because of our actions we have to deal with the consequences. We both knew what sort of relationship we have--he a professor, I his student. And yet we ignored all responsibility. Because of that and the fact that there is no rewind button, the event is set in stone.

Secondly, I wanted that event to happen. I actually enjoyed it more than I should have. But if I'm going to be honest with myself from now on, I really wanted all of those things to happen. I didn't stop him for a reason, and if given the chance, I would do it all over again.

Thirdly, I have to stop beating myself over the head because of how it makes me feel. I'm sure I'm not the only person in existence to have a drunken hook up with someone, regardless of their occupation and status. Feeling this guilty and ashamed all of the time, or at least telling myself that I should feel that way, has done nothing for me besides make me sick physically and emotionally.

So what I enjoyed a nice session? I am an adult, I have needs, and if I wanted it to happen I will enjoy it. This does not make me any lesser of a person than I already am. I am still Allison Miller. I am not defined by a heated moment in an elevator, granted with someone I should not have even been alone with. I am the same person regardless if I hooked up with even five other people! Although that would never happen because that just sounds exhausting.

Lastly, I really and truly have feelings for Jasper. Somewhere in the middle of lust and romance is his meaning to me. Even before I knew him, I was drawn to him without realizing it. I never wanted to admit to myself how intrigued I was with him, but it might have started when he helped me with my poetry a few days ago. It has been so long since I've held such a great conversation and even longer since someone has made me feel so positive about myself.

He has opened me up in several ways, a lesson he was probably not meaning to teach. However, here I am sitting at Jerry's putting all my effort into my writing because I believe that I can do it. I believe that I can win, and it took him his support to make me realize this.

So yeah, I like my professor . . . a lot. And I know that he is too responsible to act on his feelings with me. I also knew that this would probably go nowhere for multiple reasons, including one involving Ms. Harrington, but at least I didn't have to fool myself anymore nor deprive myself of those stolen moments we sometimes have.

Now comes the hard part of this massive epiphany: do I act on my feelings? Or do I let him slide on by because it would never work? Again I find the battle between pleasure and responsibility to rage on.

Of course there is the issue that Jasper might not even like me at all and I am having a battle for nothing. And then another more logical part of me reminds myself that if he does like me and we do act on our feelings he could suffer greatly.

Then again, when I graduate it won't really matter. Once I have my degree I am free to do whatever, and whoever, I please. But can I wait that long? Is it worth waiting? Is there anything to even wait for? Because again I'm not sure how he truly feels and I can't base my assumption on a drunken hook up.