Yellow

4

                  

-Day 9-

Today it is a grey, toxic matter surrounding me like a thick fog. It is not visible to others but to me, it feels just like back then, when all days were filled by this dark fog that seemed to pull me down and under and eventually started to suffocate me.

So at school, all I could do was to force myself to stay there, to not just get up and leave the room, to sit in my chair and to act as if I belonged there. I had eventually made it through the better part of my classes and was sitting in the cafeteria with Will when suddenly I just lost complete control over myself. According to Will, I started shivering and packing up my stuff like a maniac and then ran out of the cafeteria, leaving him all alone at our table.

I don't know what exactly happened or where I went, but I was sitting on the solid ground with my back against the trunk of a gigantic old oak when I finally gained my self-control back. It's not like I lost my mind or my manners or something, I just acted out of pure instinct. Like the conscious part of my brain (which is my 'me') was shut down completely by the more simple parts of my brain due to something I did not even register. Three years ago, this was almost normal to me. I somehow had even learned how to control it a bit, but today the memories and skills from back then are far away and already fading. The 14 years old Arthur would have continued his day as though nothing had happened, but the 17 years old Arthur now has a completely different everyday life than the Old Arthur used to have, so I rested my head against the trunk of the tree and closed my eyes, concentrating on my breaths and my thoughts, running wild.

A while later I realized that there was something very close to me, radiating warmth and spreading the faint smell of summer or maybe sunshine. I opened my eyes and there she was, the girl who wore a pyjama to school a few days back, sitting quite close in front of me. She had her back turned towards me, her head put back so that she could see the blue sky above us. I quickly grabbed my jacket and my backpack and got up to leave because I did not feel like talking to anybody and especially not to somebody who had followed a stranger that clearly wanted to be alone.

Now, writing this down in my room at home, l don't really understand why she followed me or why she decided  not to talk to me at first, but she kind of saved me. I mean, I was probably crying and my mind was going crazy, telling me how much of a psycho I really was, so luckily she had been kind enough to reach out to me.

The girl who wore a pyjama to school jumped to her feet as soon as she heard me trying to sneak off and kind-of-screamed: "Please stay here!". I turned around and successfully managed to suppress the rising panic in my stomach due to her standing almost directly infront of me. As I said before, I don't really ever talk to girls or just strangers in general. "What do you want?", I took a few steps back and she stayed where she was, probably irritated at the sight of my face, all swollen and blotchy from crying.

She must be really good at soothing others because she managed to calm me down without once having to touch me and in the end, I even sat down next to her and chatted with her for a little while. But then, after maybe 15 minutes, I got up to leave. I was still not feeling good and I really needed some time for myself, so I just went home and left her there. She said it was okay though, so I don't need to feel bad because of my rude behaviour.

And now I'm in bed, trying to read a book, but I seem to be unable to forget the way the sunlight got all caught up in her hair, turning it golden and yellow.

And even though the grey is still here, still trying to suffocate me, this special yellow slowly illuminates my mind and clears away the grey.