Yellow

10

-Day 20-

So I guess I should tell you about everything there really is to know about me, most importantly the whole reason behind this here. But I don't know if I am ready to write it all down yet, I am able to think about it but I'm scared to because sometimes when I'm not careful it all comes back and hits me with full force and afterwards there is only this empty shell of me left. For example, a while back when I felt empty and all, that was after a night spend thinking about everything that happened before this.

It's hard, you know? I'd love to explain it, especially regarding the fact that my memories are becoming weaker day by day, but I guess I can't. I actually tried once, but I ended up crying because I couldn't force myself to write it all down, to form reasonable sentences and I started hating myself even more than I already do and I realised that this isn't the point of this here. I'm supposed to learn, to grow and to get better and I think I did, I am so much better now than back then, but deep down I'm still the same. At least I think so. I'm not too sure about it, to be honest. I'm not too sure about everything.

I haven't even told Alice yet and that frustrates me. But so far, I personally haven't told anybody. Mum and Ella told my friends about it and they swore to keep quiet which I think they really did. Mum and Ella said that Will started crying, Paul kind of shut down for a while and Ben just got really angry. The last part is definitely true because Ben actually came to see me in the clinic and he was literally trembling, he was trying really hard not to yell at me, I could see that. But nowadays we all kind of pretend that it didn't happen, I know that they'll always be there for me and that's enough. It really is. Mum expected more of them but I don't think they could've done more. That's also what this one doctor said, the one who told me to write it all down.

After all, I managed to talk about it a little bit in some way or another. And maybe I will tell Alice, I've got the feeling that I should, but it would ruin our friendship, I'm sure of that. Alice is a great human being and very kind, but she wouldn't be able to handle it. She would see me from a different perspective and I don't want her to. This thing between us is so pure and good right now, I don't want the bubble to burst. It's different with my old friends because they've known me for so long, they experienced all of my weird, numerous stages and despite me being my awkward self, they are still by my side and they stuck with me through most of my teenage years. Alice is new, a good new, and I don't want to destroy this new by the dirty, broken old.

Not yet at least. It wouldn't help me and I'm supposed to only do things that help me.

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Hi guys,

I thought I should let y'all know that this story is not about me, I'm not Arthur and this is not my life.

I just like to imagine being Arthur with all the things that define him, that contributed to who he is right now. So this is just me, pretending to be Arthur who writes about things that are important to him. Everybody who writes stories developes characters who are influenced by the writer's character though I guess, so you could probably see me in Art, Alice, Will, Paul and Ben. If that makes sense.

So don't worry, I'm perfectly fine.
-me