Yellow

7

-Day 17-

Despite the happiness I was filled with yesterday evening, I woke up to a crushing emptyness today. It's like there is a huge hole inside me, a huge emtpy void eating me up, but at the same time this hole is filled with various emotions like fear, anger and sadness and I can't control them, they just jump out of it and take me over, always lurking around in the background, only seldomly in full control but always there, reminding me of what they might do, of what I might do and of all the endless possibilites I'd have if only the hole would finally leave me alone.

Right now I'm just numb. I'm not sad or angry or frustrated, just numb. I don't feel anything because I'm not fully here, I'm like a ghost hovering in the background, a vague memory of myself. Others don't notice it usually, except for Ben of course. He always notices. At school, I'm just walking aimlessly through the hallways, but at the same time doing exactly what I'm expected to be doing. I attend all my classes, I eat grey, slimy food in the cafeteria with my friends, I kind of actively participate in Literature and then I go home, where all I do is to sit down on my armchair next to my window. From this spot in my room I'm able to watch the sky, the clouds and the birds and right now also the fallen leaves following the lead of a breeze. Since it's autumn there is a whole bunch of birds sitting in the trees, waiting for their friends to come so that they can all leave the cold together. I wish I was as free as a bird, able to go wherever I want to and independent. If I just got up and left the house, the city, the country and the world now, my parents would go crazy. But I guess that's normal in our society, humans need humans and humans care for each other and every human has friends and every human would go crazy if one of their fellow humans would leave them behind.

Just about two weeks ago I was standing on the edge of a cliff, beneath me only air and the sea, a salty breeze running invisible fingers through my hair. And now I'm in my room, beneath me only an old armchair I inherited from my Grandpa and stale air making it hard to breathe. I never thought that the memories from my little trip with Ben would make me sad, but today they do. Maybe getting up and leaving everything behind is not at all a bad idea. Maybe I should get up and leave everything behind, even if only for a few hours. I could take our neighbour's dog out for a walk, or wander through the forest or run as fast as I can straight across our backyard, which is a huge, never ending lawn or I could scream scream scream until my lungs are free and the hole insinde me gone. But because I'm human and lazy and empty I just stay here, staring out into the blue and try to calm my mind. Even though I described myself as empty just minutes ago, my mind is filled with screams, faceless voices insulting me and my very life. Sometimes there are bands or poets who call this screaming-mind-thing a war inside their heads, a war against themselves, a war against their emotions, but I don't think that it is a war. A war consists of two enemies fighting against each other, trying to destroy the opponent. But this thing in my mind isn't a war. Maybe it was a war once, but I surrendered a long time ago.

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Future-Art, I really am sorry for this part of this book-diary-thing here. I just had to get rid of my thoughts and the best way to do so is writing them down. I also tried to close my eyes to get some yellow, but this time it was a dark, greyish yellow and the yellow of the sunlight tangled up in Alice's hair was gone and the new, ugly yellow only made me sad so I decided I would have to make it through the day without any yellow at all. But, Alice. I didn't even only once think of Alice today. That's new, and maybe that's why the hole is in control today.

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"Hey, Will. I'm sorry to be bothering you, but do you know what Alice' surname is?", is all I say as soon as Will answers his phone.