Runaways and dreamers

Chapter 23- Breaking down the walls

Katie had a choice now, she was standing on the mental edge of jumping or pulling back. Jace had jumped, and she wanted to jump but at the same time she didn't want to. The "what if" of it all being what held her there on the edge. The silence seemed to get louder and louder, suffocating her and begging her to choose. Her thoughts were racing, her heart beating so hard she wondered how it wasn't running out of power.

To her it felt like now or never. Jump or don't. Sink or swim. Part of her had a notion that choosing not to jump might be just as detrimental as jumping and having the "What if" come true. But if she jumped, she had a chance.

Jace reached over and squeezed her hand reassuringly, snapping her attention back to him and the vulnerable look of waiting as he stayed quiet for her to answer. Some of what James had told her came back, perfect people don't exist. Third times the charm. Finally, her mind registered her choice. Jace's hand on hers and remembering James's words were what it took to give her the courage to jump.

"I love you too." Katie finally admitted, slowly, carefully looking up to meet his gaze. She was still shocked that James's words had had any effect on her, but they had and she would be better off because of it.

I love you. It's a simple phrase, but it meant the world to Jace. His grin was as wide as possible, his eyes alight with happiness. He shocked her by pulling her into a tight hug. Yet, despite her general hatred of physical contact, she had to admit she liked the feeling of Jace holding her close.

For her, saying those words wasn't really the leap of faith, but it was in fact the fact that by saying I love you too she was telling Jace she trusted him completely. She knew now that she had said that, she no longer held a good excuse to not answer his questions and not tell him about her past. Katie knew telling him would feel like a fist clenching around her throat; killing her slowly with the growing possibility of Jace turning back. She didn't want to tell him, even now.

But now having admitted that she loved him, she knew if he asked she would find herself answering. It terrified her, being vulnerable was horrifying to her. In the past it had brought her ruin so she had buried any sense of vulnerability so deep within herself it was almost nonexistent. She had almost lost her capability to be completely vulnerable. Almost.

Barely, it was still there, faint but existent. She was still able to be vulnerable, she just always made a conscious effort to put up walls and block everyone out. It was the only way she knew how to protect herself. Letting someone else protect was a terrifying idea in her mind. Katie figured she was safe inside her walls, no one could get in to hurt her and she wouldn't hurt herself. Or so she thought. But bottling everything up and forcing yourself to cope alone is quite possibly more damaging than letting people in and risking betrayal. Within her walls, she couldn't protect herself from herself.

Pulling back from the hug just enough to briefly look into her eyes, Jace leaned in again and kissed her gently. Eventually, Jace pulled back all the way. Though Katie would've stayed there pressed against him, lips locked forever in safe silence. But silence never lasts.

"What happened?" Jace asked in a slow quite voice, staring deeply into Katie's eyes with genuine loving concern. Sighing, Katie's gaze dropped, not being able to look into his eyes as she spoke. Her walls were still up, crumbling but not gone. Her instinct was still to run, and avoid talking at any cost. Part of her screamed to tell him, finally to open up fully and completely. But then there was the piece that jammed the two together. Silence, avoidance, but not running.