So hey um.
So there's a lot of things going on right now and uh.
I'm not really sure how things are gonna turn out.
And I feel like no one gets me so I'm just gonna vent it all out here.
So us some of y'all know.
Well the ones that have read my bio.
I'm bisexual.
And the one of the people I have come out to is my mom.
And well.
I still don't know how she fully feels about it.
But that's alright because she said she'll support me no matter what sex/es I prefer.
Now where am I going with this.
Well it was two weeks ago and I told her that I thought a girl at my school is cute and I like her.
And well she told me that "I'm rushing to put a label on myself"
And then basically it was an endless rant between me, my sister who later came to my defense and her.
And well she was talking about how this wasn't natural because only a man and a woman can reproduce and Adam and Eve shit
And well after some time I broke down crying because it was too much for me so I excused myself to my room to calm the fuck down.
And then after some time she came so we could finish our talk because after I left my sister basically did all the talking and the conversation was about me so.
And at one point she said something about me which was so true and so accurate it even brings tears to my eyes now writing about it.
A tad bit too dramatic I know but true.
So basically what she said was that no matter how much my family loves me and how many friends I had, I was always searching for a person to lean on. Not as a friend or someone who would be there because we were related but someone who would love me and give me the world.
And thinking of my recent relationships (because middle school relationships only go as far as to holding hands or being a little too sexual for your age, which neither of those things have happened to me and I'm extremely glad for that) , I realised how accurate and absolutely correct what she said was.
I already knew it was that way but I had another way to explain it, which was "I'm sorry if I get clingy or jealous but I just have that need (you would say) to feel loved and needed"
And it kinda crushes to me that this makes me a terrible and selfish person but I really don't know a way that this can be solved.
I know all of us have that need but for some reason I feel it so strongly in me and believe me it's so fucking tiring to be myself sometimes.
There are times when I honestly feel so done with my own shit.
Like I scold myself for being that way.
I scold myself for being a way that I don't know the cure of.
Is there even a cure?
One of the worst things I could possibly do to myself is just sit and think about everything that's wrong.
Because there are so many things that are wrong with me and people can't see that and I don't know how to explain them to them.
Even if I tried I don't even know where to begin with.
Honestly I don't even know why I'm trying.
My motivation in relationships has been lost somewhere along the way.
There is still some hope left but I don't know for how long.
Because like the fucking idiot I am, I keep trusting my heart to people and they fucking wreck it.
Yet I am trying not to get too emotionally attached to a person, it happens subconsciously and I realise it after that person has either decided to walk out of my life or be mad at me.
Another one of those things for me.
I can honestly not handle when someone is mad at me.
Doesn't matter if I like them or not, I physically can not take it because I feel like I did something wrong and even though we learn from our mistakes, I am not a big fan of making them.
And to wrap this up because it's getting a little too big and I a little too emotional.
I don't really know what to do with myself.
I am so fucking lost.
I have no motivation to do whatever because I feel like an emotionlessness wreck.
And I'm sorry if this made you uncomfortable or it was too emotional but I just needed to get some things off my chest and talk publicly about it, which quite frankly is the purpose of this very book.
Thank you for listening (if you did)
- Penny 💙✨
