The Day I found Him (Asa Butterfield fanfic)

Chapter 13: Loss of Identity

Asa’s P.O.V

Everything ended up wrong. I was about to ask her to be my girlfriend, when I accidentally hung up on her. Of course my shame took away my will of calling her again.  I was scared, no, I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do, or how to take action so I just let it slip. My plane was to leave tomorrow and I still had to take someone with me. I went up to my mum, for some reason she always knew what to do. I went downstairs to find my mum in the living room reading. I pulled a chair and sat in front of her.

“Mum” I said in a low voice

She kept reading. Maybe she didn’t hear me.

“Mum!” I exclaimed

“Huh?! What? Oh Asa, hello dear, anything wrong?”

“Well, yes my plane to London leaves tomorrow and I still have to figure out who to invite.” I said

“Oh, Aren’t you going to invite Clariss though? I thought you were.” She said

“Well… I was but I accidentally hung up on her. So umm yeah.”

“OH...well Asa dear, let me tell you one thing. It will be up to you and do the right thing here. Listen to your heart. If your heart tells you to call her. Then do so. You don’t want to be in London, regretting things you should have done.”

I thought about it. How was I to listen to my heart? Was it going to speak to me? Or was I going to speak to it?. I finally took a vote and talked, “Thanks mum.” I hugged her and went back to my room.

Well now I was, umm crushed. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I knew deep down inside of me how I felt about Clariss. Yet, why do us humans do this to ourselves. If we clearly know how we feel then why not just tell how we feel? I strongly believe the world would be happier place full of possibilities if we were honest with each other. I guess many of us are just scared, that we will hear something we don’t want to hear. Something that will supposedly “break our heart”.

I remember those golden years, when these feelings were unrevealed. Exactly, those to me were the golden years, when I was a carefree little boy who could say how he felt and not care what others thought. That little boy who danced in public as if no one where watching. That little boy who cried when he didn’t get what he want. I wondered if I should be crying right now. After all, I wanted Clariss and I didn’t have her. I guess the only reason I didn’t cry was because of my pride. Was I really that gratified? Or was I just discomfited?

My chest was in pain. Or should I rigorously say my heart. It was excruciating. It was burning; I could now see my feelings clearly for Clariss. Then it all came down to me. It was to be Common Sense. Yes sir, and as preposterously as that sounded, it didn’t make it any less true. It was just like when you see a lit candle, and quickly pass your finger through the running flame, you don’t really feel anything. In fact, you excite yourself, and crown yourself with bravery for not feeling any pain. Thus far, if you ever let your finger pass slowly through the running fire and make a nest there. The pain would easily start a beginning, but hardly find an end. The pain would go on forever.

This is how my feelings were toward Clariss. The reason that made it painful was that she already had touched my heart. My finger had already built a nest in her beautiful self. Her flame was burning me into bits. Slowly. Nonetheless, it seemed as if I were asleep. As if I’d had been in that fire for ages, the more I was burnt the more I kept lying there. It was a nonstop cycle, a classic He said, She said. I tried to let go of this going flame, but it was hard. I tried not to think about Clariss, it was ripping my heart 24/7 in a good way. Honesty, I wasn’t really sure of who I was right now. I had unexpectedly lost my identity. I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet skies. I could be hurtful I could be purple. I had gone identity mad!

I was sure of many things, especially of what I felt. Although I wasn’t quite sure of my identity, of whom I was. Some months ago, I was Asa Butterfield who went to school and hung out with a group of friends. I wasn’t interested in any girl of my school. Girls were pretty interested in me.  I was really aware of what happened around me. I practiced football, and went to the movies often with my friends. I would read for hours, and wouldn’t answer my text messages until I was done reading. I wouldn’t really do my hair, and really didn’t care how I dressed.

I would observe people, and frankly sometimes end up wondering who was I to marry. Or was I even going to marry someone. I would go to the school’s football games and be more involved with the school. I would sometimes invite my friends over and play video games for hours. I would take a look at the elderly, and wonder how can they still be alive. I would participate more in class, talk out loud even when it wasn’t necessary. I would stare at cars and deeply wish for one for my next birthday.

Suddenly months later, I met a girl. The love of my Life. Wait what? How exactly did Clariss change me?

After bringing a wall of mystery of I was a couple months ago, I was lost now. Lost in a sea of identity chaos. Who am I?

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Author's NOTE: sorry for the short chapter! but this is just Asa's feelings,(point of view) & a small discovery of who he was before he met Clariss. Hope you enjoy.. until the next! stay tunedd!! ;)(;

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